Sunday, May 30, 2004
Working With the Enemy
I’m not very good at keeping my blog updated when I’m at home. Anyway, I’ve mostly just been enjoying my summer. Tiffany and I are officially back to normal, though we have still yet to actually talk about that fact that we didn’t speak to one another for more than a month. That’s one of those things that we talk about when one of us spends the night at the other’s house. We like to talk while we are lying in the dark. I guess it’s easier to talk to someone when they can’t see you. Anyway, I’m just glad that we’re friends again. Like today when I was having a mental episode, I was able to call and vent to her.
Now, why was I having a mental episode, you may ask. Little Boy Blue. I started working again. Last week actually. And it has been great, but today I had to work with LBB. I knew it would happen eventually, but I just wasn’t prepared to have to be near him again. Basically this is what happened. I was standing in my boss’ office with my sister while we waited to find out where we were working that day and LBB came in. My boss called him in and when I heard his name I basically froze up and looked away from him. He walked past me, talked to the boss, turned around, saw me and stared. I was just hoping he would let it go and walk away, but he just stood there staring until the point that I had to acknowledge he was there. So I turned to him and just kind of looked at him. I wouldn’t call it a glare and it would definitely not be called a smile, it was just kind of a look. He said, “Wow. I almost just passed out.” which was his geeky way of saying he was surprised to see me...I think. Whatever. I just kind of looked at him some more and he said, “Hi Briana” and I just kind of rolled my eyes and said, “Hey” and did my bitchy little wave. That was most of our interaction for the day. The only other times we talked was while we were working. I would tell him to get me something and he would do it. He never dared ask me to do anything, though a couple of times he asked me if I needed anything. It was highly uncomfortable. A couple of times we would almost bump into each other and we would both jump away as if we had the plague. It was really all very high school and annoying and I hated it. Part of me wants to scream at him and the other part just wants to calmly confront him. Then there’s still another part that kind of stupidly likes him. I hate that part. Eh, I don’t know. I just know that I’m going to have to work with him all summer and if every day is like today was, I may go crazy. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I have to do something.
I’m not very good at keeping my blog updated when I’m at home. Anyway, I’ve mostly just been enjoying my summer. Tiffany and I are officially back to normal, though we have still yet to actually talk about that fact that we didn’t speak to one another for more than a month. That’s one of those things that we talk about when one of us spends the night at the other’s house. We like to talk while we are lying in the dark. I guess it’s easier to talk to someone when they can’t see you. Anyway, I’m just glad that we’re friends again. Like today when I was having a mental episode, I was able to call and vent to her.
Now, why was I having a mental episode, you may ask. Little Boy Blue. I started working again. Last week actually. And it has been great, but today I had to work with LBB. I knew it would happen eventually, but I just wasn’t prepared to have to be near him again. Basically this is what happened. I was standing in my boss’ office with my sister while we waited to find out where we were working that day and LBB came in. My boss called him in and when I heard his name I basically froze up and looked away from him. He walked past me, talked to the boss, turned around, saw me and stared. I was just hoping he would let it go and walk away, but he just stood there staring until the point that I had to acknowledge he was there. So I turned to him and just kind of looked at him. I wouldn’t call it a glare and it would definitely not be called a smile, it was just kind of a look. He said, “Wow. I almost just passed out.” which was his geeky way of saying he was surprised to see me...I think. Whatever. I just kind of looked at him some more and he said, “Hi Briana” and I just kind of rolled my eyes and said, “Hey” and did my bitchy little wave. That was most of our interaction for the day. The only other times we talked was while we were working. I would tell him to get me something and he would do it. He never dared ask me to do anything, though a couple of times he asked me if I needed anything. It was highly uncomfortable. A couple of times we would almost bump into each other and we would both jump away as if we had the plague. It was really all very high school and annoying and I hated it. Part of me wants to scream at him and the other part just wants to calmly confront him. Then there’s still another part that kind of stupidly likes him. I hate that part. Eh, I don’t know. I just know that I’m going to have to work with him all summer and if every day is like today was, I may go crazy. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I have to do something.
Monday, May 17, 2004
Shot Gun
The last few days have been rather good, though today was a little bit sweet and a little bit sour. First of all, the beauty of Orlando has been haunting me since I saw Troy three days ago. Now I have always been one to have what some might call “obsessive” crushes on celebrities. Whether it be my seven year crush on Andrew Keegan (I know, who?) or my getting into powerful arguments with a friend over who loved Chester Bennington more, I take my crushes seriously. But when I decided to lust after Orlando Bloom, possibly the most lusted after man alive, I knew I had my work cut out for me. I dedicate much of my online time to arguing that anyone who loves “Legolas” does not actually love Orlando and have been known to get red with anger when people say his blue contacts are better than his natural brown eyes. However, what angers me more than anything is when I talk about the reason I admire him most: his ability to recover from an accident that should have left him paralyzed, and am met with blank stares. In fact, I have come to realize the only person I don’t mind sharing him with is my mentor Julie, who appears to appreciate his inner beauty as much as I do, though she certainly has an appreciation for his outer beauty as well! But, for me, it is his outer beauty that has been plaguing my thoughts, because I can’t get over how damn good he looks in Troy. I mean, he manages to play a character I despise above most others, and still he is gorgeous. It’s a beautiful thing.
All celebrity idolatry aside, I’ll tell you about someone who is even more beautiful than Orlando, and that is my niece, Alexis. I saw her for the first time this Saturday, and I seriously have never seen a cuter baby, and I have seen my fair share of cute babies. When I held that little girl in my arms, I felt whole. She grabbed onto my finger and just stared up at me. Looking at her, I couldn’t stop thinking about how I will be a part of her growing up. I’m her aunt. She is a little Aries, just like me, which means she is sure to be a little mischief maker once she learns to walk. Another amazing thing is seeing my brother as a father. My brother, the man I used to say would never move out of the house. I used to joke that I would move out before he did (and I actually did. I moved to LA for college in August of 2002, he moved to Sacramento with his then girlfriend, who is now is wife, in September the same year) and that he would never really grow up. And now he’s married, with a house and a child. It just blows my mind. I always knew he would make a good father, but to see him with Alexis, it is a sight that can’t be explained. I love my little niece and I can’t wait to see her grow up into a beautiful woman.
The other news of the past few days, and actually this past week, is that Tiffany and I are talking again. I made the first move, thanks to a dream. I’ve actually been remembering quite a few of my dreams recently, which is weird, because for the past year while I’ve been at school I’ve remembered only a handful. Maybe it is something about my house, or maybe it’s the fact that I have been getting more sleep. I don’t really understand the brain and the whole dream thing, I just know my dreams are back. Anyway, I had a dream in which Tiffany was screaming at me to call her, so I woke up and called her. Since then we’ve talked and hung out a couple times. We still haven’t had a serious talk, and my sister revealed to me that she had told her that I hated her. I have never, and will never hate Tiffany, and this pissed me off. If anything through all this I was disappointed in Tiffany, I was worried about Tiffany, but I never HATED her. In fact, it was my sister who hated her. It was my sister who called her a Bitch and a slut, and several other choice words that I refuse to even put in print. I never called her those things and only ever hoped that she would come to her senses and leave the guy who was obviously bad for her. Yet, and this is the sour part of my day today, it is Heather who Tiffany seems to be closer with. I know it seems childish, but Heather is the one who gets to sit shot gun in Tiffany’s car. I’ve been Tiffany’s best friend, her sister practically, for eight years. Heather has been her friend for a year. I only ever wanted to be Tiffany’s friend again and Heather said she never wanted to speak to her ever again, yet it is Heather who sits shot gun. I finally called Tiffany partly because I missed her and partly 'cause of the dream, which was obviously telling me I missed her. I care about her more than almost anyone else in the world and I can’t imagine my life without her as a friend. The reason Tiffany and Heather became friends again was because Heather called her out of boredom one day when no one else was picking up their phone. Am I being childish? Yes. Do I care? Not really. I have been jealous of Heather and Tiffany before, and I am jealous of them again. I just don’t understand how they can have this friendship where my sister talks about her behind her back, and have it be stronger than Tiffany’s and my friendship. God, who knew all these thoughts could come from something as juvenile as shot gun.
The last few days have been rather good, though today was a little bit sweet and a little bit sour. First of all, the beauty of Orlando has been haunting me since I saw Troy three days ago. Now I have always been one to have what some might call “obsessive” crushes on celebrities. Whether it be my seven year crush on Andrew Keegan (I know, who?) or my getting into powerful arguments with a friend over who loved Chester Bennington more, I take my crushes seriously. But when I decided to lust after Orlando Bloom, possibly the most lusted after man alive, I knew I had my work cut out for me. I dedicate much of my online time to arguing that anyone who loves “Legolas” does not actually love Orlando and have been known to get red with anger when people say his blue contacts are better than his natural brown eyes. However, what angers me more than anything is when I talk about the reason I admire him most: his ability to recover from an accident that should have left him paralyzed, and am met with blank stares. In fact, I have come to realize the only person I don’t mind sharing him with is my mentor Julie, who appears to appreciate his inner beauty as much as I do, though she certainly has an appreciation for his outer beauty as well! But, for me, it is his outer beauty that has been plaguing my thoughts, because I can’t get over how damn good he looks in Troy. I mean, he manages to play a character I despise above most others, and still he is gorgeous. It’s a beautiful thing.
All celebrity idolatry aside, I’ll tell you about someone who is even more beautiful than Orlando, and that is my niece, Alexis. I saw her for the first time this Saturday, and I seriously have never seen a cuter baby, and I have seen my fair share of cute babies. When I held that little girl in my arms, I felt whole. She grabbed onto my finger and just stared up at me. Looking at her, I couldn’t stop thinking about how I will be a part of her growing up. I’m her aunt. She is a little Aries, just like me, which means she is sure to be a little mischief maker once she learns to walk. Another amazing thing is seeing my brother as a father. My brother, the man I used to say would never move out of the house. I used to joke that I would move out before he did (and I actually did. I moved to LA for college in August of 2002, he moved to Sacramento with his then girlfriend, who is now is wife, in September the same year) and that he would never really grow up. And now he’s married, with a house and a child. It just blows my mind. I always knew he would make a good father, but to see him with Alexis, it is a sight that can’t be explained. I love my little niece and I can’t wait to see her grow up into a beautiful woman.
The other news of the past few days, and actually this past week, is that Tiffany and I are talking again. I made the first move, thanks to a dream. I’ve actually been remembering quite a few of my dreams recently, which is weird, because for the past year while I’ve been at school I’ve remembered only a handful. Maybe it is something about my house, or maybe it’s the fact that I have been getting more sleep. I don’t really understand the brain and the whole dream thing, I just know my dreams are back. Anyway, I had a dream in which Tiffany was screaming at me to call her, so I woke up and called her. Since then we’ve talked and hung out a couple times. We still haven’t had a serious talk, and my sister revealed to me that she had told her that I hated her. I have never, and will never hate Tiffany, and this pissed me off. If anything through all this I was disappointed in Tiffany, I was worried about Tiffany, but I never HATED her. In fact, it was my sister who hated her. It was my sister who called her a Bitch and a slut, and several other choice words that I refuse to even put in print. I never called her those things and only ever hoped that she would come to her senses and leave the guy who was obviously bad for her. Yet, and this is the sour part of my day today, it is Heather who Tiffany seems to be closer with. I know it seems childish, but Heather is the one who gets to sit shot gun in Tiffany’s car. I’ve been Tiffany’s best friend, her sister practically, for eight years. Heather has been her friend for a year. I only ever wanted to be Tiffany’s friend again and Heather said she never wanted to speak to her ever again, yet it is Heather who sits shot gun. I finally called Tiffany partly because I missed her and partly 'cause of the dream, which was obviously telling me I missed her. I care about her more than almost anyone else in the world and I can’t imagine my life without her as a friend. The reason Tiffany and Heather became friends again was because Heather called her out of boredom one day when no one else was picking up their phone. Am I being childish? Yes. Do I care? Not really. I have been jealous of Heather and Tiffany before, and I am jealous of them again. I just don’t understand how they can have this friendship where my sister talks about her behind her back, and have it be stronger than Tiffany’s and my friendship. God, who knew all these thoughts could come from something as juvenile as shot gun.
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Troy
As planned, I went and saw Troy today, the day it came out! Orlando Bloom, even playing one of my least favorite historical characters of all time, whiny, cowardly Paris, was extremely hot, and I mean EXTREMELY. There was some half naked scenes where the camera was just taunting me. I always knew he was beautiful, but was pleasantly surprised to see he has a very nice body as well.
Anyway, besides the beauty that is Orlando, the movie was actually very good. There was quite a bit of action and fighting, obviously since the movie is about a war. I loved most of the characters and how they were portrayed and thought the movie did a good job of showing character growth. However, the movie was completely and utterly wrong. There were SO many mistakes that it hurt my head. And I’m not talking little mistakes, I’m talking huge glaring ‘did you ever even bother to read the Illiad?’ mistakes. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, and plan to, you may want to stop reading.
First of all, Trojan War? Lasted ten years, right? Not according to these movie makers. This war lasted two weeks. TWO WEEKS! One of the things that the Trojan War is famous for is the fact that it lasted ten years, but this was completely ignored. Then there is Agamemnon’s character. Okay, so he probably wasn’t the nicest man in history, but his character was blown entirely out of proportion. I understand that movies need bad guys, but geez! They made this whole rivalry between Agamemnon and Achilles. I know where it stems from in the story...Agamemnon forces Achilles to give up the slave girl Briseis, who he is supposed to marry. The movie does put this in there, and in fact makes it a much bigger thing than it actually is in the stories, but they make Achilles and Agamemnon have this animosity between them even before then. Another huge thing though is how certain characters view the gods. ALL Greeks respected ALL the gods...that’s all there was to it. And some of these characters just completely disregard them. It’s just wrong. Then we get into the deaths and things get really bad. The whole end of the movie is just wrong. They get it right in that Patroclus (who is Achilles cousin in the movie, but is Achilles friend/lover in the books...I can see why they changed that) goes out to battle in Achilles armor and gets killed by Hector, then Achilles kills Hector and there is a twelve day truce so that they can do the funeral games for Hector (who is a Prince of Troy). However, from here it goes all wrong. In the movie they go directly into the Trojan Horse. But in history, at least as I have read it, Achilles is killed before then...with the arrow to the heel (Achilles’ heel, anyone?) by Paris. However, in the movie he is still alive when the whole Trojan Horse thing goes down and he goes looking for Briseis, who he loves and is willing to change for (see, there’s that whole character development). However, Agamemnon finds her and is all mad ‘cause she nearly lost him the war (‘cause Achilles had stopped fighting because of her...until Patroclus was killed) and he’s going to kill her, but she kills him. Yeah, big death mistake number one. Agamemnon lives through the war and is killed by his wife Clytemnestra and her lover, because he had offered their daughter as a sacrifice to the gods. But yeah, so she kills Agamemnon...then Achilles finds her and they’re all happy and Paris decides to grow a backbone and kills Achilles here. I’ve never really been a fan of Paris, ‘cause he starts this whole war, and I always had the feeling he wasn’t supposed to be some great warrior and just gets lucky in killing Achilles, with the aid of Apollo. Here, they make him all heroic and stuff, AND he lives. Paris is supposed to die, along with just about all the other Trojans. I don’t know, it just really bugged me. Whatever, at least Priam and Odysseus were cool. They’re two of my favorites from history. (And Odysseus was played by Boromir!)
As planned, I went and saw Troy today, the day it came out! Orlando Bloom, even playing one of my least favorite historical characters of all time, whiny, cowardly Paris, was extremely hot, and I mean EXTREMELY. There was some half naked scenes where the camera was just taunting me. I always knew he was beautiful, but was pleasantly surprised to see he has a very nice body as well.
Anyway, besides the beauty that is Orlando, the movie was actually very good. There was quite a bit of action and fighting, obviously since the movie is about a war. I loved most of the characters and how they were portrayed and thought the movie did a good job of showing character growth. However, the movie was completely and utterly wrong. There were SO many mistakes that it hurt my head. And I’m not talking little mistakes, I’m talking huge glaring ‘did you ever even bother to read the Illiad?’ mistakes. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, and plan to, you may want to stop reading.
First of all, Trojan War? Lasted ten years, right? Not according to these movie makers. This war lasted two weeks. TWO WEEKS! One of the things that the Trojan War is famous for is the fact that it lasted ten years, but this was completely ignored. Then there is Agamemnon’s character. Okay, so he probably wasn’t the nicest man in history, but his character was blown entirely out of proportion. I understand that movies need bad guys, but geez! They made this whole rivalry between Agamemnon and Achilles. I know where it stems from in the story...Agamemnon forces Achilles to give up the slave girl Briseis, who he is supposed to marry. The movie does put this in there, and in fact makes it a much bigger thing than it actually is in the stories, but they make Achilles and Agamemnon have this animosity between them even before then. Another huge thing though is how certain characters view the gods. ALL Greeks respected ALL the gods...that’s all there was to it. And some of these characters just completely disregard them. It’s just wrong. Then we get into the deaths and things get really bad. The whole end of the movie is just wrong. They get it right in that Patroclus (who is Achilles cousin in the movie, but is Achilles friend/lover in the books...I can see why they changed that) goes out to battle in Achilles armor and gets killed by Hector, then Achilles kills Hector and there is a twelve day truce so that they can do the funeral games for Hector (who is a Prince of Troy). However, from here it goes all wrong. In the movie they go directly into the Trojan Horse. But in history, at least as I have read it, Achilles is killed before then...with the arrow to the heel (Achilles’ heel, anyone?) by Paris. However, in the movie he is still alive when the whole Trojan Horse thing goes down and he goes looking for Briseis, who he loves and is willing to change for (see, there’s that whole character development). However, Agamemnon finds her and is all mad ‘cause she nearly lost him the war (‘cause Achilles had stopped fighting because of her...until Patroclus was killed) and he’s going to kill her, but she kills him. Yeah, big death mistake number one. Agamemnon lives through the war and is killed by his wife Clytemnestra and her lover, because he had offered their daughter as a sacrifice to the gods. But yeah, so she kills Agamemnon...then Achilles finds her and they’re all happy and Paris decides to grow a backbone and kills Achilles here. I’ve never really been a fan of Paris, ‘cause he starts this whole war, and I always had the feeling he wasn’t supposed to be some great warrior and just gets lucky in killing Achilles, with the aid of Apollo. Here, they make him all heroic and stuff, AND he lives. Paris is supposed to die, along with just about all the other Trojans. I don’t know, it just really bugged me. Whatever, at least Priam and Odysseus were cool. They’re two of my favorites from history. (And Odysseus was played by Boromir!)
Monday, May 10, 2004
Unwanted Encounters
So I’ve been home for a few days now and I’ve seen two people that I really didn’t want to see. I didn’t actually talk to either of them, but I saw them.
First was Tiffany. I saw her at her job yesterday and I just chose not to acknowledge her. My sister went and said hi to her while I went about my business. I know, probably not the best way to seek out a reconciliation, but seeing her, I was just filled with so much anger. I couldn’t see her in a setting like that. When I talk to her, we need to be alone; we need to be somewhere where we can yell and cry and not worry about making a scene. I swear I’m going to fix this. I never realized how large a part of my life she was until we weren’t friends anymore. I know that sounds trite and cliche, but it’s true. It seems almost every other sentence out of my mouth begins with, “I remember one time Tiffany and I...” It’s just how can you stop being friends with someone when there is so much history there. But then again, how can you not call your best friend on her birthday? I know, I know, I’m being petty. But I just can’t help it. She, of all people, knows that bad things tend to happen on my birthdays. People I care about have a tendency of ruining them, and it hurts that she had to be the one to ruin this one, you know? Eh, I don’t know anymore. I’ll try to call her this week and arrange a time to talk to her.
My other non-encounter was with Little Boy Blue. I went to have lunch with my sister at work and he was working. We didn’t talk, and I don’t even know if he saw me, but I saw him. It was the first time I had seen him since we said goodbye at the end of last summer. When I saw him, I literally felt sick to my stomach. Honestly, I felt like I could throw up then and there. I just can’t believe that he could have spread those rumors about me. That he would intentionally try to hurt me like that. It makes me want to vomit. And the thought that I may have to work there again this summer, that I may have to see him on a daily basis, be near him? I don’t think I could stand it. He makes me physically ill. Now, unlike the Tiffany thing, I have no intention of confronting him. I would be happiest if I never had to see him again, but if things don’t work out with the job my mom is trying to get me, I may have to. And it is times like this that I wish I had Tiffany to call, because she would make me feel better and assure me that everything would work out, and if it didn’t I would be able to handle working with him, because he is nothing and I am Briana. That’s what she would say to me. I miss her.
So I’ve been home for a few days now and I’ve seen two people that I really didn’t want to see. I didn’t actually talk to either of them, but I saw them.
First was Tiffany. I saw her at her job yesterday and I just chose not to acknowledge her. My sister went and said hi to her while I went about my business. I know, probably not the best way to seek out a reconciliation, but seeing her, I was just filled with so much anger. I couldn’t see her in a setting like that. When I talk to her, we need to be alone; we need to be somewhere where we can yell and cry and not worry about making a scene. I swear I’m going to fix this. I never realized how large a part of my life she was until we weren’t friends anymore. I know that sounds trite and cliche, but it’s true. It seems almost every other sentence out of my mouth begins with, “I remember one time Tiffany and I...” It’s just how can you stop being friends with someone when there is so much history there. But then again, how can you not call your best friend on her birthday? I know, I know, I’m being petty. But I just can’t help it. She, of all people, knows that bad things tend to happen on my birthdays. People I care about have a tendency of ruining them, and it hurts that she had to be the one to ruin this one, you know? Eh, I don’t know anymore. I’ll try to call her this week and arrange a time to talk to her.
My other non-encounter was with Little Boy Blue. I went to have lunch with my sister at work and he was working. We didn’t talk, and I don’t even know if he saw me, but I saw him. It was the first time I had seen him since we said goodbye at the end of last summer. When I saw him, I literally felt sick to my stomach. Honestly, I felt like I could throw up then and there. I just can’t believe that he could have spread those rumors about me. That he would intentionally try to hurt me like that. It makes me want to vomit. And the thought that I may have to work there again this summer, that I may have to see him on a daily basis, be near him? I don’t think I could stand it. He makes me physically ill. Now, unlike the Tiffany thing, I have no intention of confronting him. I would be happiest if I never had to see him again, but if things don’t work out with the job my mom is trying to get me, I may have to. And it is times like this that I wish I had Tiffany to call, because she would make me feel better and assure me that everything would work out, and if it didn’t I would be able to handle working with him, because he is nothing and I am Briana. That’s what she would say to me. I miss her.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
The Future
I’m going home tomorrow for another summer. How is it possible that two years of college have gone by? How is it possible that I am halfway done with my college career? Next year I’ll have to start making decisions and not those decisions that I used to think were so important, but really weren’t, we’re talking life changing decisions. Do I want to get my Masters or MFA or do I want to just start teaching? Do I really want to go back and teach at my alma mater and risk being sucked into the black hole that is the Bay Area? But then again, do I want to stay in LA where the average weight is at least 30 lbs less than the rest of the country and blondes run rampant? Do I want to settle myself back into the life that I may be outgrowing? Or do I want to make a huge change and move across the country or even out of it? I’ll apply to Dartmouth again and see if lightening can strike twice, but this time, if I get in, will I go? What about Oxford? You bet your ass I’m applying; I’ve never been one to not take a risk on long shots. Would I be stupid enough to pass up a miracle? I know that these questions are still a couple years off...but look at how fast the last two years have gone by.
I’m going home tomorrow for another summer. How is it possible that two years of college have gone by? How is it possible that I am halfway done with my college career? Next year I’ll have to start making decisions and not those decisions that I used to think were so important, but really weren’t, we’re talking life changing decisions. Do I want to get my Masters or MFA or do I want to just start teaching? Do I really want to go back and teach at my alma mater and risk being sucked into the black hole that is the Bay Area? But then again, do I want to stay in LA where the average weight is at least 30 lbs less than the rest of the country and blondes run rampant? Do I want to settle myself back into the life that I may be outgrowing? Or do I want to make a huge change and move across the country or even out of it? I’ll apply to Dartmouth again and see if lightening can strike twice, but this time, if I get in, will I go? What about Oxford? You bet your ass I’m applying; I’ve never been one to not take a risk on long shots. Would I be stupid enough to pass up a miracle? I know that these questions are still a couple years off...but look at how fast the last two years have gone by.
