Thursday, June 24, 2004
Life Has No Plot
It’s amazing how much life can change in a short amount of time. It’s only been two weeks since my last entry and I almost feel like a completely different person. Tiffany and I made up and then something happened that assured the fact that we may be able to go back to the way we used to be. It’s amazing what a traumatic experience can do for a friendship.
Eight days ago I turned 20 years, 2 months, and 4 days old. That’s a random age, right? To me it isn’t. That’s exactly how old my mom was when she got married. Now I’m not saying I want to get married...certainly not right now...and probably not for quite a few years, but it was still a bit of a gut check. I mean, I’m the same age my mom was when she got married. When she made the ultimate commitment. And here I was having never even had a serious boyfriend.
That was eight days ago. Six days ago things may have taken a dramatic turn. And so far it is for the better. I’ve always thought he was cute. I mean, the first time I saw him I was like that is one attractive guy. Then he became good friends with my sister and I got to know him a little. Then he was going out with her friend and I backed off. They weren’t together for long, but I still had their relationship in my mind during the times he would come over to see Heather. But I couldn’t deny the fact that I was attracted to him. When we started kissing, it almost seemed like an accident. Really, I expected us to have some fun and then I expected him to tell me that was all it would be. I was ready to accept that. I wasn’t expecting him to ask me to be his girlfriend, but I’d be lying if I said that that didn’t make me happy. I hate the fact that this seems to be hurting her, but I can’t just ignore these feelings. I can’t ignore the fact that I have never felt happier than I do right now. I can’t ignore the fact that we click on so many different levels that it isn’t even funny.
I like him...I like him a lot...and I don’t intend to give him up.
I just wish that August could stay in the future forever.
It’s amazing how much life can change in a short amount of time. It’s only been two weeks since my last entry and I almost feel like a completely different person. Tiffany and I made up and then something happened that assured the fact that we may be able to go back to the way we used to be. It’s amazing what a traumatic experience can do for a friendship.
Eight days ago I turned 20 years, 2 months, and 4 days old. That’s a random age, right? To me it isn’t. That’s exactly how old my mom was when she got married. Now I’m not saying I want to get married...certainly not right now...and probably not for quite a few years, but it was still a bit of a gut check. I mean, I’m the same age my mom was when she got married. When she made the ultimate commitment. And here I was having never even had a serious boyfriend.
That was eight days ago. Six days ago things may have taken a dramatic turn. And so far it is for the better. I’ve always thought he was cute. I mean, the first time I saw him I was like that is one attractive guy. Then he became good friends with my sister and I got to know him a little. Then he was going out with her friend and I backed off. They weren’t together for long, but I still had their relationship in my mind during the times he would come over to see Heather. But I couldn’t deny the fact that I was attracted to him. When we started kissing, it almost seemed like an accident. Really, I expected us to have some fun and then I expected him to tell me that was all it would be. I was ready to accept that. I wasn’t expecting him to ask me to be his girlfriend, but I’d be lying if I said that that didn’t make me happy. I hate the fact that this seems to be hurting her, but I can’t just ignore these feelings. I can’t ignore the fact that I have never felt happier than I do right now. I can’t ignore the fact that we click on so many different levels that it isn’t even funny.
I like him...I like him a lot...and I don’t intend to give him up.
I just wish that August could stay in the future forever.
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
The End of a Friendship
It still pains me to say it, but I have to face the fact that it is true. Tiffany is not my friend, at least not the kind of friend I need. Actually right after I posted that last blog, things looked a little up. My sister meddled and called Tiffany and told her I was mad. Tiffany came over and we talked until four in the morning. However, it wasn’t an apology talk. She explained that she didn’t know that I liked the guy or that he liked me and that she was just joking about her comments. I decided to forgive her for those mistakes. After all, I have made my fair share of jokes in poor taste, though probably nothing that bad . . . and if I ever did, I was a lot younger. But still, she was my friend, so I forgave her.
But then, we kept talking, and all of a sudden our conversation turned to other things and it somehow became about why guys like Tiffany and not me. She said that a large percentage of my High School hated me and that guys thought I was unapproachable and that I thought I was better than everyone. Apparently she did some kind of survey? I mean, what the hell is that. I know that there were a select few people who didn’t like me, and most of them were in newspaper with me. I’ll be the first to admit I was a bitch of a boss, but whatever. I had always been under the impression that I was generally liked. So yeah, the main point is, why the hell did she feel the need to tell me this? What was the point? She started talking about how I’m abnormal because I always think about others before myself and I think about the consequences of my actions. Um, last time I checked, that’s not abnormal, that’s being a decent human being. She was just trying to make it seem all right for her to always think about herself. But still, by the end of the conversation we seemed to be a little better. We were at least starting to be honest with each other. But there were one thing in particular that I was honest with her about. I feel excluded from her and Heather. They hang out together and I feel excluded. So she knew this. I specifically told her this...keep this in mind.
So yeah, we were on better terms. But of course the friendship was still shaky. So what does she do? Yesterday after work she and Heather went out together, without even inviting me. I was pretty sad, but other stuff had happened that day that made me think Heather just wanted to vent. But then...later that night, Heather and Tiffany come over with the guys. She brought him to my house! Now, I said the night before that I really didn’t care if they dated. I didn’t really mean it, but I just cannot tell someone to NOT date someone, no matter how much it hurts me. Seriously, I would have told Heather it was okay to date Greg. I’m the type of person who will deal with pain to see someone else happy. I know, I’m stupid. But anyway...even if I was completely okay with it...NO ONE would be okay with having to see the two of them together. There is NO explainable reason for her to want to bring him to my house other than the fact that she wanted to hurt me. She’s not so dumb to think I wouldn’t be hurt, but apparently she is evil enough to go for the kill. I’ve always been told that I have a talent for knowing exactly how to REALLY hurt a person, but Tiffany easily beat me with what she did last night. So yeah, those four walked past me without so much as saying hi and proceeded to spend the rest of the night in the room...ignoring me. Tiffany proved that she does not care about me and she does not respect me. She could have easily gone on dating him without having to put it right in front of me. This is NOT about a guy, because frankly I don’t know him, and neither does she...this is about what that action represented. And with that action, Tiffany killed the friendship. As far as I am concerned, it is over. Maybe we will be friends again in the future when she has grown up and apologized. (She didn’t even apologize for not calling me on my birthday when I said how much that hurt me, she just kept saying that she would never have called me, because she was too mad).
It hurts to know that it is really over. But I know that I have real friends out there. I have Denise who is my best friend in the world. I have Joella who talked to me for hours last night when I felt like I was ready to die. I have Julie who continues to send me kind emails. I have Sarah who almost magically is here for me (we don’t really talk a lot, yet she’s listened to me during this), I have all my online friends. I have so many people who care about me and even if I want Tiffany’s love...I don’t need it.
It still pains me to say it, but I have to face the fact that it is true. Tiffany is not my friend, at least not the kind of friend I need. Actually right after I posted that last blog, things looked a little up. My sister meddled and called Tiffany and told her I was mad. Tiffany came over and we talked until four in the morning. However, it wasn’t an apology talk. She explained that she didn’t know that I liked the guy or that he liked me and that she was just joking about her comments. I decided to forgive her for those mistakes. After all, I have made my fair share of jokes in poor taste, though probably nothing that bad . . . and if I ever did, I was a lot younger. But still, she was my friend, so I forgave her.
But then, we kept talking, and all of a sudden our conversation turned to other things and it somehow became about why guys like Tiffany and not me. She said that a large percentage of my High School hated me and that guys thought I was unapproachable and that I thought I was better than everyone. Apparently she did some kind of survey? I mean, what the hell is that. I know that there were a select few people who didn’t like me, and most of them were in newspaper with me. I’ll be the first to admit I was a bitch of a boss, but whatever. I had always been under the impression that I was generally liked. So yeah, the main point is, why the hell did she feel the need to tell me this? What was the point? She started talking about how I’m abnormal because I always think about others before myself and I think about the consequences of my actions. Um, last time I checked, that’s not abnormal, that’s being a decent human being. She was just trying to make it seem all right for her to always think about herself. But still, by the end of the conversation we seemed to be a little better. We were at least starting to be honest with each other. But there were one thing in particular that I was honest with her about. I feel excluded from her and Heather. They hang out together and I feel excluded. So she knew this. I specifically told her this...keep this in mind.
So yeah, we were on better terms. But of course the friendship was still shaky. So what does she do? Yesterday after work she and Heather went out together, without even inviting me. I was pretty sad, but other stuff had happened that day that made me think Heather just wanted to vent. But then...later that night, Heather and Tiffany come over with the guys. She brought him to my house! Now, I said the night before that I really didn’t care if they dated. I didn’t really mean it, but I just cannot tell someone to NOT date someone, no matter how much it hurts me. Seriously, I would have told Heather it was okay to date Greg. I’m the type of person who will deal with pain to see someone else happy. I know, I’m stupid. But anyway...even if I was completely okay with it...NO ONE would be okay with having to see the two of them together. There is NO explainable reason for her to want to bring him to my house other than the fact that she wanted to hurt me. She’s not so dumb to think I wouldn’t be hurt, but apparently she is evil enough to go for the kill. I’ve always been told that I have a talent for knowing exactly how to REALLY hurt a person, but Tiffany easily beat me with what she did last night. So yeah, those four walked past me without so much as saying hi and proceeded to spend the rest of the night in the room...ignoring me. Tiffany proved that she does not care about me and she does not respect me. She could have easily gone on dating him without having to put it right in front of me. This is NOT about a guy, because frankly I don’t know him, and neither does she...this is about what that action represented. And with that action, Tiffany killed the friendship. As far as I am concerned, it is over. Maybe we will be friends again in the future when she has grown up and apologized. (She didn’t even apologize for not calling me on my birthday when I said how much that hurt me, she just kept saying that she would never have called me, because she was too mad).
It hurts to know that it is really over. But I know that I have real friends out there. I have Denise who is my best friend in the world. I have Joella who talked to me for hours last night when I felt like I was ready to die. I have Julie who continues to send me kind emails. I have Sarah who almost magically is here for me (we don’t really talk a lot, yet she’s listened to me during this), I have all my online friends. I have so many people who care about me and even if I want Tiffany’s love...I don’t need it.
Sunday, June 06, 2004
Backstabbing Bitches
Yeah, remember that whole “I’m not going to say anything bad about Tiffany, she’s my friend”? Fuck that. Tiffany is a Bitch, a world class Bitch. So basically I went and played pool with a bunch of my friends tonight, Tiffany included. And Tiffany was in a bad mood. So I went and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and she’s all “If you were Heather I’d feel better right now.” Like, what the fuck is that? I’m trying to make her feel better and she goes and says my sister is better. Then, this is what takes the cake...I said “Tiffany left me for my sister”, and she says “Just like Greg.” *Pause for the inevitable shocked gasps* Yeah, what the fuck is that shit? She takes one of my more painful memories, that a guy I once though I was in love with made out with my sister, and throws it in my face. So whatever, I let that go. Because she was “just playing” and she’s my friend.
Well, Heather’s friends show up and one of them is pretty cute, and actually my age. I notice him and I’m like okay. Then Heather tells me that he thinks I’m cute. Then his friend tells me he thinks I’m cute. So I’m tell his friend that if he asks for my number I’ll give it to him. Everyone there knows this is going on, INCLUDING Tiffany, and what does she do? The bitch starts flirting with him. I’m talking to my other friends and stuff and I see that. Then Heather comes over and says, “We’re going now.” And I’m like “Where are we going.” And she says, “Not you, us.” Meaning her, Tiffany, and the two guys. Tiffany and the guy who was supposed to be into ME all hugging and shit. So yeah, they go off and everyone left with me agrees that was fucked up. Though as one of my friends said, “Don’t worry Briana. It’s just ‘cause you’re not easy.” And all I have to say is she said it, not me. I can’t help if I agree.
Now tell me, someone please tell me, am I warranted it being pissed off? Is there anything here that seems like I am overreacting? And all I want to know is what the fuck did I do to Tiffany to piss her off? All I’ve ever done is be there for her as a friend. I worry about her, I try my best to help her when she needs it, I try to cheer her up when she’s sad...and all I get is shit on.
Do you know how rare it is that I have guys interested in me? I mean really. Guys do not flirt with me. I do not get hit on when we go out. You know who does? Do you know who has like five boyfriends as I type? Do you know who has almost never NOT had a boyfriend? Tiffany. So the one time, the ONE FUCKING time a guy is interested in me, she has to take that away. Now, someone tell me how that is not fucked up. I am SO sick of this. I love her like family, but I can not keep on putting up with this shit. It hurts me. I’m crying as I type this. I just don’t know what the fuck to do anymore.
Yeah, remember that whole “I’m not going to say anything bad about Tiffany, she’s my friend”? Fuck that. Tiffany is a Bitch, a world class Bitch. So basically I went and played pool with a bunch of my friends tonight, Tiffany included. And Tiffany was in a bad mood. So I went and gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and she’s all “If you were Heather I’d feel better right now.” Like, what the fuck is that? I’m trying to make her feel better and she goes and says my sister is better. Then, this is what takes the cake...I said “Tiffany left me for my sister”, and she says “Just like Greg.” *Pause for the inevitable shocked gasps* Yeah, what the fuck is that shit? She takes one of my more painful memories, that a guy I once though I was in love with made out with my sister, and throws it in my face. So whatever, I let that go. Because she was “just playing” and she’s my friend.
Well, Heather’s friends show up and one of them is pretty cute, and actually my age. I notice him and I’m like okay. Then Heather tells me that he thinks I’m cute. Then his friend tells me he thinks I’m cute. So I’m tell his friend that if he asks for my number I’ll give it to him. Everyone there knows this is going on, INCLUDING Tiffany, and what does she do? The bitch starts flirting with him. I’m talking to my other friends and stuff and I see that. Then Heather comes over and says, “We’re going now.” And I’m like “Where are we going.” And she says, “Not you, us.” Meaning her, Tiffany, and the two guys. Tiffany and the guy who was supposed to be into ME all hugging and shit. So yeah, they go off and everyone left with me agrees that was fucked up. Though as one of my friends said, “Don’t worry Briana. It’s just ‘cause you’re not easy.” And all I have to say is she said it, not me. I can’t help if I agree.
Now tell me, someone please tell me, am I warranted it being pissed off? Is there anything here that seems like I am overreacting? And all I want to know is what the fuck did I do to Tiffany to piss her off? All I’ve ever done is be there for her as a friend. I worry about her, I try my best to help her when she needs it, I try to cheer her up when she’s sad...and all I get is shit on.
Do you know how rare it is that I have guys interested in me? I mean really. Guys do not flirt with me. I do not get hit on when we go out. You know who does? Do you know who has like five boyfriends as I type? Do you know who has almost never NOT had a boyfriend? Tiffany. So the one time, the ONE FUCKING time a guy is interested in me, she has to take that away. Now, someone tell me how that is not fucked up. I am SO sick of this. I love her like family, but I can not keep on putting up with this shit. It hurts me. I’m crying as I type this. I just don’t know what the fuck to do anymore.
