Monday, December 19, 2005
The Future
So I haven’t written in over two months and you would think a lot of stuff would have happened, and guess what? It did. I had more boy drama than I ever care to have again. There was a whole lot of confusion on my part, some hurt feelings, so days where I didn’t really feel like living any more, but in the end, it all worked out...and I’m still with Inima. Sometimes I’m afraid that I may have hurt Charms, but he is still one of my best friends and I’ll always have a special place for him in my heart...and I hope he’ll always be in my life. But I realized that the way I feel about him just cannot compare to the way I feel about Inima. It’s an all-consuming kind of ache. I love him in a way that I didn’t know I could love. Cause, even though I hate his guts now and am fairly certain I wouldn’t even be sad if he died, I did love First...who I’m thinking about renaming to something loathsome...because he is loathsome. Did I mention I hate First now? Cause I do. But yeah, I DID love him...once...even if that love was caused by a mixture of pity and temporary insanity...it was there. And while I wasn’t in love with Charms, I did and still do love him...but more in a friendship, almost brotherly/sisterly way. But with Inima...it’s just...different. I can’t even explain it, except to say that it makes me feel...happy. When I’m with him, I’m just happy...and unfortunately it’s hard for me to feel that way anymore.
Except when I’m watching USC Football...
Ah, USC Football, how I love thee. We went for another undefeated season. In a couple of weeks we will be going for the three-pete...the unprecedented, never been done before in college football, three-pete. I can’t even wait. But what’s almost exciting as that is the fact that Reggie won the Heisman. Do you realize that if USC wins in the Rose Bowl I will have had one of the best 4 years of college football. 3 Heismans and 3 national championships...in the four years I was at USC. CRAZY! But God, that makes me sad. I love USC. I love that school more than it is natural to love a school. I love the campus, the classes, the professors, and most of all my friends. And in a few short months, I’ll be leaving. That makes me sadder than I even thought possible. You know what the really scary thing is? Tomorrow I’ll find out whether or not I’m actually going to be in the REAL WORLD next year.
Tomorrow I find out whether or not I got into Teach for America. I’m absolutely terrified. I’m terrified that I won’t get in...and I’m terrified that I will. I want this SO bad. I know that I’m the kind of person this program needs. I know that it will be hard and that it will probably wear me down more than I’ve ever been worn down in my life...but I want it, and I know I can do it. But at the same time, as much confidence as I have that I can do it...there’s a small part of me that doubts. That’s why I’m almost as scared of getting it as I am of not getting it. They’re going to email the acceptances and rejections tomorrow at 5...but I don’t think I’m going to check my email until I’m with Inima after he gets off work. I need him there with me. He’s helped me through the whole application process...believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself...calming me down when I didn’t think I could do it...and I need him there to celebrate with me or to hold me in my disappointment, depending on how things go. But I am very, very scared. Tomorrow my future could be decided.
So I haven’t written in over two months and you would think a lot of stuff would have happened, and guess what? It did. I had more boy drama than I ever care to have again. There was a whole lot of confusion on my part, some hurt feelings, so days where I didn’t really feel like living any more, but in the end, it all worked out...and I’m still with Inima. Sometimes I’m afraid that I may have hurt Charms, but he is still one of my best friends and I’ll always have a special place for him in my heart...and I hope he’ll always be in my life. But I realized that the way I feel about him just cannot compare to the way I feel about Inima. It’s an all-consuming kind of ache. I love him in a way that I didn’t know I could love. Cause, even though I hate his guts now and am fairly certain I wouldn’t even be sad if he died, I did love First...who I’m thinking about renaming to something loathsome...because he is loathsome. Did I mention I hate First now? Cause I do. But yeah, I DID love him...once...even if that love was caused by a mixture of pity and temporary insanity...it was there. And while I wasn’t in love with Charms, I did and still do love him...but more in a friendship, almost brotherly/sisterly way. But with Inima...it’s just...different. I can’t even explain it, except to say that it makes me feel...happy. When I’m with him, I’m just happy...and unfortunately it’s hard for me to feel that way anymore.
Except when I’m watching USC Football...
Ah, USC Football, how I love thee. We went for another undefeated season. In a couple of weeks we will be going for the three-pete...the unprecedented, never been done before in college football, three-pete. I can’t even wait. But what’s almost exciting as that is the fact that Reggie won the Heisman. Do you realize that if USC wins in the Rose Bowl I will have had one of the best 4 years of college football. 3 Heismans and 3 national championships...in the four years I was at USC. CRAZY! But God, that makes me sad. I love USC. I love that school more than it is natural to love a school. I love the campus, the classes, the professors, and most of all my friends. And in a few short months, I’ll be leaving. That makes me sadder than I even thought possible. You know what the really scary thing is? Tomorrow I’ll find out whether or not I’m actually going to be in the REAL WORLD next year.
Tomorrow I find out whether or not I got into Teach for America. I’m absolutely terrified. I’m terrified that I won’t get in...and I’m terrified that I will. I want this SO bad. I know that I’m the kind of person this program needs. I know that it will be hard and that it will probably wear me down more than I’ve ever been worn down in my life...but I want it, and I know I can do it. But at the same time, as much confidence as I have that I can do it...there’s a small part of me that doubts. That’s why I’m almost as scared of getting it as I am of not getting it. They’re going to email the acceptances and rejections tomorrow at 5...but I don’t think I’m going to check my email until I’m with Inima after he gets off work. I need him there with me. He’s helped me through the whole application process...believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself...calming me down when I didn’t think I could do it...and I need him there to celebrate with me or to hold me in my disappointment, depending on how things go. But I am very, very scared. Tomorrow my future could be decided.
