What's in a name...er...title?

I "Heart" Life
So yeah, can we talk about how much my life rocks right now? I really just can’t even believe it, and I’m a little afraid that something major is going to happen to just make it all suck again...cause let’s be honest I’ve turned into a "half-empty" kind of girl...but for now I’m just going to enjoy the happy.

So first off, the obvious. Leprechaun...who I need to rename, because that is both too long and kind of mean, and I really like him so don’t want to give him a mean nickname...so instead he will be Charms...as in Lucky, because I have to keep the Irish, and he’s just too friggin’ charming. So yeah, yesterday Charms comes into my Helenes meeting along with the other Serfs (That’s what the guys pledging the Knights are called) and they all have to give each of the girls roses. So yeah, they’re all handing each girl a rose and he comes up to me, hands me a bunch and gives me a kiss in front of everyone. I could feel my face burning and I knew that it was probably the same color as my hair and shirt, but I didn’t care, cause I couldn’t stop smiling at it was awesome. But yeah, he’s just the greatest guy ever and I can’t get over the fact that he seems to like me, too. I mean, when does THAT ever happen? (I know, I know...First was in love with me...head over heels really...but I don’t know, this is different in that I don’t have to delude myself into think that Charms has some kind of future, cause he does, while First never really did...and I am a horrible, horrible person...) Anywho, so yeah, that’s the biggest reason why I’m so happy...plus I have the whole weekend with him to look forward to...party at his place tomorrow, Tiki Cruise Saturday, and Spring Party Sunday. It’s going to be a Charm-ing weekend! (I promise I won’t ever make such a cheesy joke again.)

So I’m already in a great mood today right...and then I go to work and my boss gives me a gift certificate for the bookstore for $50, as a thank you for all the work I do there. So yeah...I do work my ass off and it is always nice to be appreciated, so that made me really happy.

Then today was my last day of classes for the semester, which pretty much rocks and I was going over my grades in the classes and I actually have a shot at getting a GPA this semester that will raise my overall GPA bringing me that much closer to Magna Cum Laude...earlier this semester I thought for sure that I was going to tank and my GPA was going to suffer, but apparently I’ve pulled some stuff together. One of my classes is pretty much hopeless and it doesn’t help that the final for that one is on Tuesday, which means I’ll only really have Monday to study...and I’ll be writing a paper that night...BUT I should be able to pull A/A- in the rest of them, so yay!

Then to make the day complete I ran into L.S. and it was just like old times before all the awkward started happening. He seems super happy for Charms and me, which makes me happy. I think it might have something to do with the fact that he knew I liked him, which made things awkward, but now that I like someone else (a lot) it takes away all that awkwardness and we’re just best buddies again, which I love, because I can’t imagine NOT having L.S. as a friend. He pretty much saved my life this semester...seriously, everything good that has happened to me can be traced back to him. I should probably thank him or something.

Anywho...yeah, that is why my life rocks. Let’s hope that nothing comes along to screw it up!

Life is Crazy Sometimes

So I should totally be working on my paper right now, but I’ve hit a bit of a block and since a TON of stuff has happened since last I wrote in my blog, I figured I would write. So, basically everything that was making me miserable in the last blog is so much better now. Why? Because I met someone, who will here on out be called Leprechaun, because he is short and Irish! :) Anywho, I actually met Leprechaun the Friday before I last wrote and I thought he was a cool guy, but didn’t think much else of it. I mean, I meet cool guys all the time. Nothing usually happens. But then this past Thursday I’m hanging out at a Helenes fundraiser (we had In N Out come to campus) and Leprechaun’s there so I hang out with him. We end up hanging out the rest of the night and have a good time talking and kissing.

Honestly, that was weird. I mean, for so long, First was the only guy I kissed. Then L.S. and I had that one kiss, but we’d rather forget about that, because it kind of ruined everything, but yeah...kissing Leprechaun...it’s different. I don’t really know how to explain it. It wasn’t like that instant connection that I felt with First and L.S. and yet it was somehow better. It’s like, with each day that goes by, I like him a little bit more, and it’s not so intense that I’m going crazy, which is how I felt with both First and L.S. I don’t know...it’s almost like this is more healthy? Either way, he’s such a sweetheart and actually treats me really nice. I’m not entirely sure what’s up with us, as right now all he’ll say is that "we’re having fun," but I don’t know...I think I can see it going somewhere, and I think he does too. He’s just not a label kind of guy. But basically I’ve been spending a ridiculous amount of time with him (too much really...which is why I am up writing a paper at 1:30 in the morning) and it’s just really cool. He’s actually about to be a Knight, which is the Helenes brother organization, so you know we’re getting tons of crap on both sides, but it’s actually kind of fun.

Honestly, he’s possibly the best thing that could have happened to me. Because if I’m honest with myself, I’m still a little messed up from the whole First and L.S. thing, but I think I’m finally over L.S. and I can look at him as just being a really good friend, which he is. It’s like being around Leprechaun reminded me of how I should be treated and L.S., and for that matter, First, never treated me like that. I’m happy...for the first time in God knows how long, I’m actually happy. Just sucks that in a couple of weeks I have to go back home. But that’s the thing, because of how healthy my attachment to Leprechaun is, I know that I can handle it. And I think I’m even ready to face First and let him know once and for all that we are over and that I care about him, but we will never be more than friends again.

Anyway, back to my god forsaken paper. I wish I could just go to bed!

How Am I?
I don’t think I have ever been so confused about my state of being. On the one hand I have been having more fun than I have ever had in my life. I mean, I’m finally 21 and I’ve been going out and just having fun with all my girls. I always have someone to talk to if I need them and when someone asks me how I am I should be able to say, "Great!" And yet, in all honesty, I’m kind of miserable. I think I’ve lost the will to learn. I’m just SO over school, and luckily there is only 2 weeks left, but I’m afraid that I won’t get that excitement about school that I’ve had my whole life back. Honestly, I am a huge geek and I really love school. I love learning and reading, and god help me, I even sometimes enjoy writing papers...but recently that’s just been gone. It scares me...I mean, if I’ve lost the will to learn, how will I ever be able to teach?

Then there’s the whole RA thing. There aren’t even words to describe how much it hurts. I mean, I went and talked to one of the heads of the department about it and she said that the biggest things against me were the fact that I was so adamant about being in freshman housing only and the fact that I have no BG experience. I understand the BG experience, even though I do have OTHER types of experience that relates to the same thing, but the freshman housing thing bugs...because clearly I am dedicated to being a REAL RA...I mean, even the other RAs call going into upperclassmen housing, "retirement." It just sucks. Not to mention the fact that she actually listed the fact that I work so much as a negative. First of all I made it very clear that I would decrease my hours if I got the job, second of all excuse the fuck out of me for having to pay my way through college. Like I don’t face enough troubles not having a daddy who will pay for everything for me, now I’m being excluded from jobs because of it? Right. Sometimes I hate being poor...but at the same time, I know that I appreciate things on whole other levels. Like when I finally DO get my first car...you know, when I earn the money to buy it myself, I really will appreciate it so much more than any of these rich kids out here who get whatever they want. Oh, but don’t get me wrong...some of my best friends at SC are those rich kids whose daddies buy them everything, but they are still fucking awesome people who respect me and what I have to deal with...I don’t not like them...frankly I’m just jealous of their situation, and can you really blame me?

Anyway, but more than anything I’m just really fucked up because of Lemon Skittle right now. It’s like karma came around to bite me in the ass...I broke First’s heart and so L.S. broke mine. The whole friends thing was utter bullshit...he just wasn’t interested in me anymore. Was over it after about three days apparently. But...how can someone just be over it? How can you like someone one day and then just be over it the next? What did I do to warrant him getting over me? It’s so utterly confusing, and I hate the fact that I’m hurt as much as I am. I should be reeling over my breakup with First...but I’m not...but my heart is broken into several million pieces because of L.S. I don’t even think he realizes...and if he does, he doesn’t care. My friends keep telling me that I deserve someone so much better than him, that they’ve seen the way he treats me and it’s not right. It’s not right how he just played with my feelings. It’s not right that he led me to think he liked me and then when I broke up with my boyfriend (primarily) for him, he decided he didn’t like me anymore. And I know all this is true...but at the same time I can’t erase the memories I have of him taking care of my when I was so fucked up after the breakup and I can’t just erase the way I feel. I can’t erase the fact that when I see him my heart literally jumps in my chest. It’s like fucking high school all over again.

Anyway, it feels good to vent...I apologize for the cussing. It tends to come out when I’m venting, and if people actually read this, please leave words of encouragement or something. Tell me I’m an idiot and need to move on...tell me about a nice guy you’d like to set me up with :) Anything! I mostly write this stuff for myself, but the fact is I have my actual diary for that as well. So I just like to know that there are people reading this...it’s kind of exciting to know that I am spilling my heart out to people...and terrifying too. Anyway, back to the small hill of homework. I feel better now.

Heartbroken
Screw First, screw Lemon Skittle...I really had my heart broken on Friday. Anyone who has been reading this blog for a while knows how important being an R.A. is to me. If you don’t, go check out the blog from September titled "Rejection." Anyway, so I was rejected from being an R.A. last year, but I sucked it up and applied again this year. Once again, I was made an alternate. This broke my heart more than any guy ever could. I mean, what do I have to do? I poor my heart out in my application and interviews. NO ONE wants to be an R.A. more than I do, and unless everyone in my life is lying to me...including my EDCO (the class you have to take to apply to be an R.A.) Professors...I would make a damn good R.A. It just pisses me off that I could try so hard to have this slip through my fingers again. However, this time I’m not going to let it just go on by. I emailed the woman in charge of hiring and asked if I could meet with her to find out what I have to do to ensure that I get a spot. Not everyone accepts their spots and I want to be the one picked if anyone gives theirs up. I just have to hope that a female in freshman housing gives up her spot...because that spot could be mine. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Dealing
So this break up certainly seems to be sticking, unlike the other ones (over Winter Break we broke up about a dozen times...for about 5 minutes each time) and I’m actually doing okay. In fact, the only bad feelings I have are that I feel bad for him and I feel bad that I don’t feel worse. And he feels REALLY bad. I mean, I always knew he loved me, but I never realized how much. I don’t think he ever did either, until he lost me. Too bad he couldn’t have realized how great I was back when we were still going out, maybe I wouldn’t have broken up with him. Okay, so that’s not really true. The fact is, he could have treated me like a queen, and I still would have eventually realized that we were not right for one another. It’s hard though. I still call him sometimes and he still calls me, and he tells me how much he loves me, that I’m his soulmate, that I’m the only good thing in his life and I was going to help him get better...and it breaks my heart. In those moments I want to get back together with him. I just know this is the right thing for me. I like being single. I like being able to have fun without feeling guilty. I like having guy friends without having to be bitched at about it. But I do still love him...he’s First...I’ll never really stop loving him. I want to try to be his friend, but I don’t know if he can handle that. I think the only reason he’s still talking to me is because he thinks I’ll change my mind, but I’m set on this. I’m not going to change my mind...I can’t change my mind.

In the other half of the drama of Briana’s "love life" Lemon Skittle and I had a talk. I told him that I really like him, which was...awkward...and he said that he likes me too much as a friend to risk doing anything that would mess it up...which you know...sucks, but at the same time, I agree. I mean, I’m certainly not ready for any kind of relationship and I do really enjoy his friendship. He’s slowly becoming one of my best friends, so I think in the end it’s a good decision. I just don’t like the fact that I don’t know whether or not he was ever interested. I mean, I’ve had that "just friends" excuse used on me before...but this one does feel pretty genuine. Oh, and people might be a little confused about how we could have the "just friends" conversation in the first place. Since my last blog entry, L.S. and his girlfriend broke up, so yeah. But I think everything is actually really cool between the two of us now, so that’s good.

Other than the drama of my personal life the other thing that has been eating away at my time has been Take Back the Week and Take Back the Night, which was last night. So now everything that I have been dedicated to this semester is over. I don’t know what I’m going to do with my time! But yeah, TBTN was awesome. I spoke again, and it was just as empowering as last time, and this time I didn’t cry! But it did still make me think. It’s been nearly 8 years since that happened to me, and while I think that I am completely over it, there are still random times where I’ll realize I’m not...when I get that twinge of nervousness as I enter a male Professor’s office...when I’m sitting in a car and I look out the window, remembering how badly I wanted to hurl myself out of that car so long ago...when I hear anyone mention him. What happened to me wasn’t nearly as bad as what’s happened to some girls out there, and I thank God every day that I had the chance to escape something that could have been so much worse. I can’t imagine what I would be like today if I hadn’t have gotten myself out of that car and I just want any one out there who’s reading this and is also a survivor to know that you aren’t alone and that there is always someone you can talk to. Really, when I think about things like this...it puts all the personal drama into perspective.

Breaking Up is Hard to Do
Who wrote that song? I could look it up, but don’t feel like it. But, yeah, whoever said it was right on the money. A LOT has happened since my last blog, but that is the biggest. Yes, after 9 months and 1 week of a rocky relationship, he and I broke up. Anyone who knows us knows it was a long time coming. We fought more than actually talked. While being with him made me happier than I had ever felt in my life...up to that point (more on that later) he could also make me sadder than I ever felt in my life. Plus, when all was said and done, we just didn’t have that much in common. I still love him, and I probably always will, but I know that this was for the best. I’m actually doing okay...him, not so much. The funny thing is that technically he broke up with me, but that’s not really how it went down.

Let’s take it back a couple months. So I kind of met this new guy and thought he was cute. I think from now on I’ll refer to him as Lemon Skittle (don’t ask) or L.S. for short. Anyway, so yeah I had my little daydreams about L.S. but it’s not really like I knew him all that well so it was harmless. We flirted occasionally and that was it. Well this past Sunday roles around and I end up talking with L.S. for a good couple of hours that night and just hanging out with him. I don’t do anything that could really be construed as cheating and yet I feel incredibly guilty. Anyway, I end up telling my sister about it, but he (I really need an actual nickname for him now, don’t I? Well he was my first love, so I think I’ll just call him First) is in the room and hears my sister make a little "Oooh!" noise. So to cover it up she starts talking about how she’s coming to visit me and how much fun it will be. But that hurts First’s feelings, so later than night he calls and is Bitching me out about how I don’t even care that he can’t come visit me and I’m getting so frustrated because if he knew what we had really been talking about, he would have been even more pissed. So I say that, and then I say, "The thing is, I’ve been hanging out with this other guy, and I’m really confused because while I still love you with all my heart, I have feelings for him." So he says, "Fuck you" and hangs up on me. So I’m freaking out, right? And I pick up my phone and without even thinking call L.S. Of all the people I could have called...my sister, my Mom, my best friend...I call him. That should tell you something. But yeah, I call him and I’m like, "I think my boyfriend and I just broke up" and he’s all sweet and comforting and then First calls back and he takes all the doubt away by saying, "It’s over. I’m done." And here’s the thing, when I say "okay" I can practically hear his heart break. He really, truly thought that I was going to beg him not to break up with me, but I just knew it my heart that if I was having the kind of feelings that I was having for L.S. then I really shouldn’t have been with First. So I call L.S. back and he asks if I want to come over and talk...so we meet on campus and talk for like four hours and he makes me feel so much better. While I am talking with him First calls and says, "As much as I hate you right now, I still love you." and that just kills.

Anyway, so you think that that would be the height of the drama, right? Wrong. So I’ve been hanging out with L.S. quite a bit, and I am falling hard for him. There’s just one teeny, tiny problem. L.S. has a girlfriend. Yeah. So my feelings are just growing and growing, but every time I hang out with him, I feel guilty. It seems like he likes me, too, but hell, I’ve been dead wrong when it has come to this stuff in the past. It just hurts. And I feel like a complete Bitch. Right now I should be feeling pain over my breakup with First, but what’s actually making me cry at night is because I want to be with L.S. so badly, and I know that I can’t. I feel like I’ve managed to destroy everything for so many people. I broke First’s heart into about a million pieces...his and my sister’s friendship is now pretty strained because of it...I know that L.S. feels guilty about our growing friendship, and I don’t even want to think about how his girlfriend would feel if she knew about our friendship. But what makes me feel more horrible than anything is that sometimes I just want to say fuck everyone else and follow my heart. I want to be selfish and not care about other people’s feelings, but unfortunately I can’t. My conscience is one of the loudest of it’s kind. It’s the reason I told First the truth. I couldn’t bear to keep something like that from him.

But yeah...this past week has been the longest of my life...because of all this drama, and the fact that I didn’t actually sleep on Sunday, Monday, or Wednesday night, plus all of the Songfest and Take Back the Night stuff I’ve been knee deep in. It’s just been drama. But yeah, speaking of Songfest, we got second place, which is cool.

I hope that eventually things get better. First still calls me and tells me he loves me. I don’t know what I’m going to do when I go home for my birthday in a couple weeks...I just don’t think I can face him. I remember a couple weeks ago I was so excited to go home, and now I just really don’t want to. And in just a little more than a month I’ll be back at home for the summer...and I know it will hurt...both being around First and being away from L.S. You know, sometimes I wish I could just go back to before I got into a serious relationship. Sure, I was miserable, but things were a lot less complicated.