Sunday, May 22, 2005
The Strongest Woman I Know
So I went and visited my Aunt yesterday. I haven’t written about it on here, because I think I was too afraid to even talk about it. When I was at school I was always thinking about her, but I couldn’t even tell anyone what had happened, because I just didn’t want to believe it was true, you know? But my Aunt had a stroke about six weeks ago. As the title suggests, my Aunt Billi is the strongest woman I know. It’s funny that she’s not my blood relative, because I have so many traits in common with her, it’s ridiculous. She’s an Aries, like me, and she’s the only person I know more stubborn than me. That’s why it scared me so much when she had the stroke. I never thought anything would ever bring her down. But the thing is, I was right. She had a stroke six weeks ago, and other than the fact that she can’t really move her right arm and the fact that she talks a tiny bit slower than usual, you just can’t tell. Every day she gets a little bit better, and the doctors think there’s a really good chance that she will be able to get her arm to work again. And the thing is, I know she will. She’s just too strong not to pull through this.
And then there’s my Uncle. It could bring even the most cold-hearted person to tears to see how much my Uncle Bill loves my Aunt Billi (and tell me that’s not the cutest thing you’ve ever seen...Bill and Billi. And I’m not making that up.) They give me hope that true love still exists. Kind of the way my Grandma and Pap Pap used to make me feel...I’m lucky to have had two perfect relationships to be an example as to what I should strive for. And I had my parents’ relationship as a great example of what NOT to strive for...so I’m set.
Anyway, I love my Aunt Billi so much and I can’t even describe the relief I felt seeing her yesterday. I was so scared for so long, even though I knew in my heart she’d make it...seeing her made me feel even better. That is definitely one good thing about being home. It’s nice to be able to see my family again. Because even though my immediate family can drive me nuts sometimes, it is nice to see my Grandma (who I went and visited last week) and my Aunt and Uncle and hopefully soon I’ll get to see my brother and niece. Because as much as I complain about my crazy family, I really do love them. They are the most important part of my life...and as much as my sister drives me nuts and I don’t understand her half the time...she’s the most important person in my life. And it’s like, I’m slowly realizing that the real world is barreling down on me, and I’m pretty set on staying in L.A. once I graduate...at least for a while...and to know I won’t be coming home for months at a time to be with my sister. It’s just sad. Growing up kind of sucks.
So I went and visited my Aunt yesterday. I haven’t written about it on here, because I think I was too afraid to even talk about it. When I was at school I was always thinking about her, but I couldn’t even tell anyone what had happened, because I just didn’t want to believe it was true, you know? But my Aunt had a stroke about six weeks ago. As the title suggests, my Aunt Billi is the strongest woman I know. It’s funny that she’s not my blood relative, because I have so many traits in common with her, it’s ridiculous. She’s an Aries, like me, and she’s the only person I know more stubborn than me. That’s why it scared me so much when she had the stroke. I never thought anything would ever bring her down. But the thing is, I was right. She had a stroke six weeks ago, and other than the fact that she can’t really move her right arm and the fact that she talks a tiny bit slower than usual, you just can’t tell. Every day she gets a little bit better, and the doctors think there’s a really good chance that she will be able to get her arm to work again. And the thing is, I know she will. She’s just too strong not to pull through this.
And then there’s my Uncle. It could bring even the most cold-hearted person to tears to see how much my Uncle Bill loves my Aunt Billi (and tell me that’s not the cutest thing you’ve ever seen...Bill and Billi. And I’m not making that up.) They give me hope that true love still exists. Kind of the way my Grandma and Pap Pap used to make me feel...I’m lucky to have had two perfect relationships to be an example as to what I should strive for. And I had my parents’ relationship as a great example of what NOT to strive for...so I’m set.
Anyway, I love my Aunt Billi so much and I can’t even describe the relief I felt seeing her yesterday. I was so scared for so long, even though I knew in my heart she’d make it...seeing her made me feel even better. That is definitely one good thing about being home. It’s nice to be able to see my family again. Because even though my immediate family can drive me nuts sometimes, it is nice to see my Grandma (who I went and visited last week) and my Aunt and Uncle and hopefully soon I’ll get to see my brother and niece. Because as much as I complain about my crazy family, I really do love them. They are the most important part of my life...and as much as my sister drives me nuts and I don’t understand her half the time...she’s the most important person in my life. And it’s like, I’m slowly realizing that the real world is barreling down on me, and I’m pretty set on staying in L.A. once I graduate...at least for a while...and to know I won’t be coming home for months at a time to be with my sister. It’s just sad. Growing up kind of sucks.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
Back to Reality
So I’m back at home. I’ve had several awkward situations with First...though we had a long talk last night that came about because he found a picture of me and Charms and I think things are okay between us. As much as I hate that it hurt him so bad, I think that picture was kind of the final slap in the face to make him realize that it’s really over and that I’ve moved on...though if I’ve moved on to Charms, that’s an entirely different story. I really felt like we clicked, you know? I thought he really liked me...and I know we agreed not to really have anything during the summer...but I kind of thought we’d still talk, and since I’ve been home, we haven’t. I called him once...and he kind of rushed me off the phone...and then I figured I’d just wait until he called...but he hasn’t. I mean he could just be busy, but I just wish I could talk to him. That’s one of the things I like so much about him...the fact that I can have conversations with him. First and I never had that and it was at the top of the list of reasons I knew our relationship would never really go anywhere. I’m hoping that I’m overreacting and that Charms is just busy and will call me soon...but I can’t help but feel like maybe I was just a hookup...a little fling before school ended. And in my heart I know that’s ridiculous and Charms is way too cool of a guy to be like that...but yeah...try explaining that to my fucked up brain.
Anyway...the reason for the back to reality title of this entry...I’m back in my old life. The life that for so many years I just thought I was...above, and then I finally got away to a place where I felt like I was around people on my level...but no matter what, I still end up back here, and it’s like...maybe it’s where I belong. Maybe I’m kidding myself to think that I’m on the same level as the people I go to school with. Maybe I am, and always will be, white trash. I hate feeling that way. I mean...my whole life I was accused of being a snob and thinking I was better than everyone else...but that wasn’t really it...it’s just that I knew I could have more...that I deserved more. I’ve worked hard my entire life to try to get somewhere I deserve to be. I think that’s the biggest reason I broke up with First...because if I had actually stayed with him...married him...in ten years my life would have been me working as a teacher to support him and our kids while he was either working some dead end job, unemployed...or worse, in jail. I’d never get to travel, I’d never own a nice home...I’d be just what I’m trying to get away from. And I’m not saying I want a mansion and 20 cars or anything ridiculous like that. I never really expect to be rich...I mean, I’m going to be a teacher...but I’d like to own my own home...have a little bit of property...be able to have an actual family vacation each year...just simple things that my mom wasn’t able to give me, but I’d like to be able to give my kids one day, you know? And I know some people will look at this and be like...you’re 21...why are you thinking about these things...but I can’t help it. I’m getting older...sometime in the not so distant future I would like to start the next part of my life and I just don’t want to end up trapped where I’ve been my entire life. Whenever I come back home though, I feel like that life is closing in on me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
So I’m back at home. I’ve had several awkward situations with First...though we had a long talk last night that came about because he found a picture of me and Charms and I think things are okay between us. As much as I hate that it hurt him so bad, I think that picture was kind of the final slap in the face to make him realize that it’s really over and that I’ve moved on...though if I’ve moved on to Charms, that’s an entirely different story. I really felt like we clicked, you know? I thought he really liked me...and I know we agreed not to really have anything during the summer...but I kind of thought we’d still talk, and since I’ve been home, we haven’t. I called him once...and he kind of rushed me off the phone...and then I figured I’d just wait until he called...but he hasn’t. I mean he could just be busy, but I just wish I could talk to him. That’s one of the things I like so much about him...the fact that I can have conversations with him. First and I never had that and it was at the top of the list of reasons I knew our relationship would never really go anywhere. I’m hoping that I’m overreacting and that Charms is just busy and will call me soon...but I can’t help but feel like maybe I was just a hookup...a little fling before school ended. And in my heart I know that’s ridiculous and Charms is way too cool of a guy to be like that...but yeah...try explaining that to my fucked up brain.
Anyway...the reason for the back to reality title of this entry...I’m back in my old life. The life that for so many years I just thought I was...above, and then I finally got away to a place where I felt like I was around people on my level...but no matter what, I still end up back here, and it’s like...maybe it’s where I belong. Maybe I’m kidding myself to think that I’m on the same level as the people I go to school with. Maybe I am, and always will be, white trash. I hate feeling that way. I mean...my whole life I was accused of being a snob and thinking I was better than everyone else...but that wasn’t really it...it’s just that I knew I could have more...that I deserved more. I’ve worked hard my entire life to try to get somewhere I deserve to be. I think that’s the biggest reason I broke up with First...because if I had actually stayed with him...married him...in ten years my life would have been me working as a teacher to support him and our kids while he was either working some dead end job, unemployed...or worse, in jail. I’d never get to travel, I’d never own a nice home...I’d be just what I’m trying to get away from. And I’m not saying I want a mansion and 20 cars or anything ridiculous like that. I never really expect to be rich...I mean, I’m going to be a teacher...but I’d like to own my own home...have a little bit of property...be able to have an actual family vacation each year...just simple things that my mom wasn’t able to give me, but I’d like to be able to give my kids one day, you know? And I know some people will look at this and be like...you’re 21...why are you thinking about these things...but I can’t help it. I’m getting older...sometime in the not so distant future I would like to start the next part of my life and I just don’t want to end up trapped where I’ve been my entire life. Whenever I come back home though, I feel like that life is closing in on me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Falling
I know I shouldn’t...I know it’s stupid and it’s soon...but I just can’t help it. I am falling hard for Charms, and I have been trying so hard to keep my feelings under control, because I have to leave him in a few days...but he just keeps doing these amazing things that make me like him even more. We finally have a title...we’re dating...which basically means, when we’re together...we’re together...but as far as the summer is concerned, it’s kind of don’t ask, don’t tell. I think it’s a fair arrangement, but on my end of the deal it’s a little pointless...because I have no plans of hooking up with anyone else. I want to come back to school to Charms...and the fact is, even if we aren’t officially a couple...we are in my heart and we all know how I feel about cheating...and whether it’s cheating on a title or cheating on a feeling in my heart...I’m just not going to do it. Now if things happen on his end, I’m obviously not going to be happy about it...but I’m not going to know, and as long as we’re together in the Fall...which I’m pretty sure we will be...then I’ll be happy. And if not...well, these past couple of weeks have possibly been the best of my life and I’ll be happy to have just had them. Just one question...why do I have to live so far away from school?
I know I shouldn’t...I know it’s stupid and it’s soon...but I just can’t help it. I am falling hard for Charms, and I have been trying so hard to keep my feelings under control, because I have to leave him in a few days...but he just keeps doing these amazing things that make me like him even more. We finally have a title...we’re dating...which basically means, when we’re together...we’re together...but as far as the summer is concerned, it’s kind of don’t ask, don’t tell. I think it’s a fair arrangement, but on my end of the deal it’s a little pointless...because I have no plans of hooking up with anyone else. I want to come back to school to Charms...and the fact is, even if we aren’t officially a couple...we are in my heart and we all know how I feel about cheating...and whether it’s cheating on a title or cheating on a feeling in my heart...I’m just not going to do it. Now if things happen on his end, I’m obviously not going to be happy about it...but I’m not going to know, and as long as we’re together in the Fall...which I’m pretty sure we will be...then I’ll be happy. And if not...well, these past couple of weeks have possibly been the best of my life and I’ll be happy to have just had them. Just one question...why do I have to live so far away from school?
