Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Thin Line
There’s a thin line between being in love and being insane, and I think I’m walking it. I honestly don’t know what’s happened to me. All I ever do is think about him. I can’t concentrate on class or homework or anything, because he is always on my mind. I wake up and I think about him, I walk to class and I think about him, I sit through class, work, and meetings and I think about him. I do homework, I think about him, and when I go to sleep at night, I dream about him. I always swore I would never be this person; I would never let a guy take over my life, but that’s exactly what he has done.
There used to be so many things in my life that made me happy. And they still do. I still enjoy some of my classes, I still like hanging out with my friends, I still get excited about football games . . . but at the same time, none of that compares to the happiness I feel when I’m with him. We don’t even have to be doing anything. I could just be sitting in a room with him, not even talking to him, just being near him, and I will be happy. I’ll be the kind of happy that makes my heart beat faster and my head feel light. And it’s almost gotten to the point where I would give up everything else that makes me happy just to be with him, and that scares the hell out of me.
I love my school, I love my friends, I love the Helenes. Those three things tie me here to L.A. But at the same time, I think I love him more. And I think the only reason I am staying here is because my mind tells me it’s the right thing to do. He doesn’t make it any easier on me. When I left on Sunday he looked at me and said two words that had tears streaming down my face: Don’t go.
This last visit really made me realize how hard it is. I basically had just one day with him, and it just wasn’t enough. When I go home for Thanksgiving, I’ll have four days and that won’t be enough. The month of Christmas break won’t be enough, and even the three month Summer break isn’t enough. I was able to handle it before, but then once I saw him again it was like something in my brain snapped and now I can barely live. I honestly feel like I am dying. I’ve given myself a migraine, I start crying at the drop of a hat, and all I really want to do is sleep because at least in my dreams I can be with him. It’s not healthy, and people keep telling me that these are signs that I’m in love, but I think they are signs that I’m going insane.
There’s a thin line between being in love and being insane, and I think I’m walking it. I honestly don’t know what’s happened to me. All I ever do is think about him. I can’t concentrate on class or homework or anything, because he is always on my mind. I wake up and I think about him, I walk to class and I think about him, I sit through class, work, and meetings and I think about him. I do homework, I think about him, and when I go to sleep at night, I dream about him. I always swore I would never be this person; I would never let a guy take over my life, but that’s exactly what he has done.
There used to be so many things in my life that made me happy. And they still do. I still enjoy some of my classes, I still like hanging out with my friends, I still get excited about football games . . . but at the same time, none of that compares to the happiness I feel when I’m with him. We don’t even have to be doing anything. I could just be sitting in a room with him, not even talking to him, just being near him, and I will be happy. I’ll be the kind of happy that makes my heart beat faster and my head feel light. And it’s almost gotten to the point where I would give up everything else that makes me happy just to be with him, and that scares the hell out of me.
I love my school, I love my friends, I love the Helenes. Those three things tie me here to L.A. But at the same time, I think I love him more. And I think the only reason I am staying here is because my mind tells me it’s the right thing to do. He doesn’t make it any easier on me. When I left on Sunday he looked at me and said two words that had tears streaming down my face: Don’t go.
This last visit really made me realize how hard it is. I basically had just one day with him, and it just wasn’t enough. When I go home for Thanksgiving, I’ll have four days and that won’t be enough. The month of Christmas break won’t be enough, and even the three month Summer break isn’t enough. I was able to handle it before, but then once I saw him again it was like something in my brain snapped and now I can barely live. I honestly feel like I am dying. I’ve given myself a migraine, I start crying at the drop of a hat, and all I really want to do is sleep because at least in my dreams I can be with him. It’s not healthy, and people keep telling me that these are signs that I’m in love, but I think they are signs that I’m going insane.
Monday, September 27, 2004
Long Distance Sucks
So I got to see him this weekend and I cannot even begin to describe how wonderful it was. And as much as I missed him before, I miss him even more now. What made this visit special was that we hung out with his friends. Most of the summer we were basically just the two of us together. We tried having him hang out with my friends, but that didn’t really work, and I always felt weird around his friends. But this weekend, we went to one of his friends’ house and it just felt natural. I could talk with them the same way I could talk to any of my friends, and they pretty much adored me. It’s always nice to be appreciated. And I think them appreciating me made him appreciate me that much more. It just sucks that it was such a short visit and I have no idea when the next visit will be. I love him so much and I can’t stand being away from him and now more than ever I think I may want to spend the rest of my life with him, though right now I’d settle for being able to have a week with him.
So I got to see him this weekend and I cannot even begin to describe how wonderful it was. And as much as I missed him before, I miss him even more now. What made this visit special was that we hung out with his friends. Most of the summer we were basically just the two of us together. We tried having him hang out with my friends, but that didn’t really work, and I always felt weird around his friends. But this weekend, we went to one of his friends’ house and it just felt natural. I could talk with them the same way I could talk to any of my friends, and they pretty much adored me. It’s always nice to be appreciated. And I think them appreciating me made him appreciate me that much more. It just sucks that it was such a short visit and I have no idea when the next visit will be. I love him so much and I can’t stand being away from him and now more than ever I think I may want to spend the rest of my life with him, though right now I’d settle for being able to have a week with him.
Friday, September 24, 2004
HOME!
I have no money in my bank account, I don’t know whether or not I’m going to get hired for a second job, the school is trying to charge me money that I don’t owe them, and the estimated cost of my dental work is atrocious, but I couldn’t be happier right now. Why? Because I am going home tomorrow. I will see him tomorrow. And tomorrow at this time I will be sleeping in his arms. The world could come crashing down around me and this would still be the happiest I’ve been in a long time.
I have no money in my bank account, I don’t know whether or not I’m going to get hired for a second job, the school is trying to charge me money that I don’t owe them, and the estimated cost of my dental work is atrocious, but I couldn’t be happier right now. Why? Because I am going home tomorrow. I will see him tomorrow. And tomorrow at this time I will be sleeping in his arms. The world could come crashing down around me and this would still be the happiest I’ve been in a long time.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Rejection
You know, there was a time in my life where I was pretty used to rejection. The personal kind anyway. If I liked a guy, he didn’t like me. I just came to accept that. I was more than surprised when he liked me back, but this entry is actually not about him for once.
It’s about another kind of rejection, one I never really had to face before, and now I’ve faced it twice. I don’t know how to classify it...intellectual rejection? Educational rejection? Whatever, point is, I was rejected from Troy Camp. The first kind of non-personal rejection I ever faced was my rejection from NYU. I was able to get over that (with the help of an acceptance letter from Dartmouth) based on the fact that they never met me. I had still never been rejected for something I interviewed for. Not something that I really believed I deserved anyway. I had been rejected from jobs before, but did I really expect to be hired as a waitress when I had absolutely no waitressing experience? No, not really. With NYU, I really expected to get in, and then I didn’t. But like I said, the admissions people didn’t meet me, so that didn’t count.
Then there was the RA job. To this day I am still bitter about that. I really can’t even put into words how badly I wanted that position. All I have ever wanted to do with my life is to be a role model and help others. I really thought I could make a difference as an RA. I know most of my friends who wanted the job wanted to make a difference too, but they also wanted the perks. Now, I’m not going to lie and say the perks didn’t attract me, but the fact was, even if I still had to pay rent, I would still want to be an RA. I think I would make a good one and would really enjoy the job. But apparently the people who interviewed me didn’t agree. That was a tough on. I admit that I cried. It really felt like I was being rejected as a human being. Like I wasn’t good enough to help people.
And now there’s Troy Camp. I love kids. Kids love me. I have hundreds of stories about kids who didn’t want to go back to their parents, because they would rather hang out with me. Whenever I go home, I am lost in a sea of hugs from the neighborhood children. I go back and forth in my decision to be a high school teacher, and wonder if I would rather teach elementary school. Kids, quite frankly, are my life. And more than that, the kind of kids that I would have been working with in Troy Camp are my life. I grew up in their situation. I grew up having less toys than all my friends, I grew up thinking I’d never be able to afford to go to college. I grew up in a pretty crappy home life. And all I ever wanted was to have someone to look up to. And not just any someone, but someone who knew what it was like to live the life I lived. I thought I would be able to give that to these kids. I WANTED to have the chance to give that to those kids. One of my goals in life is to show kids...and adults as well, I tell my boyfriend that he can achieve everything he wants in life, regardless of the life he was given, that circumstances are just that...circumstance, and if you believe enough, you can overcome them.
I guess I feel like in the interviews and applications for being an RA and joining Troy Camp, I poured my soul out. I was completely and 100% genuine, and I was rejected. Maybe that’s why it hurts more than in other cases. Because I feel like everything I have inside of me, this overwhelming desire to help others, just isn’t good enough, and I don’t know how to be any more than what I am.
You know, there was a time in my life where I was pretty used to rejection. The personal kind anyway. If I liked a guy, he didn’t like me. I just came to accept that. I was more than surprised when he liked me back, but this entry is actually not about him for once.
It’s about another kind of rejection, one I never really had to face before, and now I’ve faced it twice. I don’t know how to classify it...intellectual rejection? Educational rejection? Whatever, point is, I was rejected from Troy Camp. The first kind of non-personal rejection I ever faced was my rejection from NYU. I was able to get over that (with the help of an acceptance letter from Dartmouth) based on the fact that they never met me. I had still never been rejected for something I interviewed for. Not something that I really believed I deserved anyway. I had been rejected from jobs before, but did I really expect to be hired as a waitress when I had absolutely no waitressing experience? No, not really. With NYU, I really expected to get in, and then I didn’t. But like I said, the admissions people didn’t meet me, so that didn’t count.
Then there was the RA job. To this day I am still bitter about that. I really can’t even put into words how badly I wanted that position. All I have ever wanted to do with my life is to be a role model and help others. I really thought I could make a difference as an RA. I know most of my friends who wanted the job wanted to make a difference too, but they also wanted the perks. Now, I’m not going to lie and say the perks didn’t attract me, but the fact was, even if I still had to pay rent, I would still want to be an RA. I think I would make a good one and would really enjoy the job. But apparently the people who interviewed me didn’t agree. That was a tough on. I admit that I cried. It really felt like I was being rejected as a human being. Like I wasn’t good enough to help people.
And now there’s Troy Camp. I love kids. Kids love me. I have hundreds of stories about kids who didn’t want to go back to their parents, because they would rather hang out with me. Whenever I go home, I am lost in a sea of hugs from the neighborhood children. I go back and forth in my decision to be a high school teacher, and wonder if I would rather teach elementary school. Kids, quite frankly, are my life. And more than that, the kind of kids that I would have been working with in Troy Camp are my life. I grew up in their situation. I grew up having less toys than all my friends, I grew up thinking I’d never be able to afford to go to college. I grew up in a pretty crappy home life. And all I ever wanted was to have someone to look up to. And not just any someone, but someone who knew what it was like to live the life I lived. I thought I would be able to give that to these kids. I WANTED to have the chance to give that to those kids. One of my goals in life is to show kids...and adults as well, I tell my boyfriend that he can achieve everything he wants in life, regardless of the life he was given, that circumstances are just that...circumstance, and if you believe enough, you can overcome them.
I guess I feel like in the interviews and applications for being an RA and joining Troy Camp, I poured my soul out. I was completely and 100% genuine, and I was rejected. Maybe that’s why it hurts more than in other cases. Because I feel like everything I have inside of me, this overwhelming desire to help others, just isn’t good enough, and I don’t know how to be any more than what I am.
Saturday, September 18, 2004
Small World
Well, I am doing a lot better. He is not breaking up with me, and I have forgiven him . . . again. I know that if I keep doing forgiving him, he’ll just keep doing this to me, but I know that this long distance thing is just as hard on him as it is on me, and he deals with it by pulling away. Sucks, ‘cause it hurts me, but it’s just how he’s dealing. I understand that it’s hard for him to talk to me on the phone knowing that he can’t reach out and touch me. It’s hard for me too. I hate that all we can have is a verbal relationship right now, when all I really want is for him to hold me. But it’s how things are and we’ll both have to deal, and as long as he calls me on a semi-regular basis, I’ll be able to handle it. I know he loves me, and for now, that’s enough.
Anyway, besides having that stuff resolved, I had some other good news. I met my lil’ sis last night at Welcome Night for the Helenes and she is so awesome! She’s super sweet AND it turns out that she knows Clown. How crazy is that? She worked with him for the past few summers and when I told her that I’ve known him since first grade she was so shocked. It was crazy. Her boyfriend is one of his really good friends, and her best friend’s boyfriend may be living with him soon. It’s amazing.
I actually got to meet her (her name is Christine by the way) boyfriend tonight at Welcome Party, and he’s a sweetheart and a half. I can definitely tell he is friends with Clown, because he is a LOT like him. And Christine showed how awesome she is again. We were all bowling together and we had a great time. I also made friends with another Rosebud Rakhi, who is awesome.
So yeah, things are okay again with him, I have an awesome lil’ sis and new friends, and I’m going to look for a second job tomorrow. Now if only I could find a ride home for next weekend things would be . . . well, I’m not going to use the ‘p-word’ ‘cause last time I used that, my life went to hell in a hand basket, but let’s just say things will be good. :)
Well, I am doing a lot better. He is not breaking up with me, and I have forgiven him . . . again. I know that if I keep doing forgiving him, he’ll just keep doing this to me, but I know that this long distance thing is just as hard on him as it is on me, and he deals with it by pulling away. Sucks, ‘cause it hurts me, but it’s just how he’s dealing. I understand that it’s hard for him to talk to me on the phone knowing that he can’t reach out and touch me. It’s hard for me too. I hate that all we can have is a verbal relationship right now, when all I really want is for him to hold me. But it’s how things are and we’ll both have to deal, and as long as he calls me on a semi-regular basis, I’ll be able to handle it. I know he loves me, and for now, that’s enough.
Anyway, besides having that stuff resolved, I had some other good news. I met my lil’ sis last night at Welcome Night for the Helenes and she is so awesome! She’s super sweet AND it turns out that she knows Clown. How crazy is that? She worked with him for the past few summers and when I told her that I’ve known him since first grade she was so shocked. It was crazy. Her boyfriend is one of his really good friends, and her best friend’s boyfriend may be living with him soon. It’s amazing.
I actually got to meet her (her name is Christine by the way) boyfriend tonight at Welcome Party, and he’s a sweetheart and a half. I can definitely tell he is friends with Clown, because he is a LOT like him. And Christine showed how awesome she is again. We were all bowling together and we had a great time. I also made friends with another Rosebud Rakhi, who is awesome.
So yeah, things are okay again with him, I have an awesome lil’ sis and new friends, and I’m going to look for a second job tomorrow. Now if only I could find a ride home for next weekend things would be . . . well, I’m not going to use the ‘p-word’ ‘cause last time I used that, my life went to hell in a hand basket, but let’s just say things will be good. :)
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Life Sucks
Yeah. As good as life was, that’s how bad it is now. I almost can’t even handle it. Even thinking about everything that seems to happen all at once, it’s making my cry. So I’m just going to try to breath and write this all down, because what’s an online journal for if not to pour my little heart out to.
So first off, it’s the money thing. It’s always the money thing. I just hate that I’m surrounded by all these people who just have it so easy and they don’t even realize it. I mean, yes my mom will help me in any way she can, but she really can’t afford to. I feel so guilty taking any money from her, ‘cause I know she needs that money. I figured out today that I just don’t have enough money to pay my bills. It’s that simple, I don’t have it. And it freaked me out. So what do I have to do? I have to get money from my mom and borrow money from my sister. I hate it, I hate it so much.
But more than that, it’s him that’s bothering me. I have this bad feeling, and you can ask anyone, my bad feelings are almost always right, that he’s going to break up with me. The last time I talked to him was on Saturday. And we got disconnected. I don’t know if it was my phone (it was acting up a lot that day) or if it was his, or if he hung up on me, but the point was that he didn’t call me back, and he hasn’t called me since. Now this isn’t the first time he’s gone a while without calling me, and I forgave him the last time, ‘cause I knew he had a lot going on, but this time I don’t know if I will...or if I’ll even have the chance. Apparently he came over to my house today to use the phone, my sister assumed he was going to call me, but she heard him calling someone a bitch, and after he hung up, she asked if he was talking to me. He said no and when she asked who it was he said it was none of her business. Then she mentioned that he should call me, because I’ve been crying to mom because he hasn’t. He just said whatever and left. So...he had the opportunity to call me, and he didn’t. He did not care that I was crying...which makes me think he doesn’t care about me, and that kills me. And here I go crying again. I just don’t understand why he would do this. I mean, he tells me he misses me so much, he tells my mom he misses me, but he can’t even call me. I know it’s hard...it’s hard for me to to only be able to hear him when all I really want to do is hold him, but I deal, and he needs to also...but maybe he doesn’t want to. Maybe I’m not worth it. I just don’t know anymore...I love him so much, but he hurts me so much, and it hurts me to be away from him. But at the same time, I know if we were to break up, my heart would still be with him and I wouldn’t exactly go out looking for anyone else, so it would just be exactly the same. Except for it would be worse, ‘cause I’d never hear from him and when I went home I wouldn’t get to see him. I just don’t know what to do anymore, and I want to know why the hell he is calling his ex and not me. (Because I’m 99% sure that’s who he did call today.)
All I know is that I NEED to see him, and I don’t know when I’ll get to. I was hoping to go home next weekend, since so many people I know are going up for the weekender, but once again, I don’t think that will happen. I just don’t know what to do anymore, and I just wish I could stop crying all the goddamn time.
Yeah. As good as life was, that’s how bad it is now. I almost can’t even handle it. Even thinking about everything that seems to happen all at once, it’s making my cry. So I’m just going to try to breath and write this all down, because what’s an online journal for if not to pour my little heart out to.
So first off, it’s the money thing. It’s always the money thing. I just hate that I’m surrounded by all these people who just have it so easy and they don’t even realize it. I mean, yes my mom will help me in any way she can, but she really can’t afford to. I feel so guilty taking any money from her, ‘cause I know she needs that money. I figured out today that I just don’t have enough money to pay my bills. It’s that simple, I don’t have it. And it freaked me out. So what do I have to do? I have to get money from my mom and borrow money from my sister. I hate it, I hate it so much.
But more than that, it’s him that’s bothering me. I have this bad feeling, and you can ask anyone, my bad feelings are almost always right, that he’s going to break up with me. The last time I talked to him was on Saturday. And we got disconnected. I don’t know if it was my phone (it was acting up a lot that day) or if it was his, or if he hung up on me, but the point was that he didn’t call me back, and he hasn’t called me since. Now this isn’t the first time he’s gone a while without calling me, and I forgave him the last time, ‘cause I knew he had a lot going on, but this time I don’t know if I will...or if I’ll even have the chance. Apparently he came over to my house today to use the phone, my sister assumed he was going to call me, but she heard him calling someone a bitch, and after he hung up, she asked if he was talking to me. He said no and when she asked who it was he said it was none of her business. Then she mentioned that he should call me, because I’ve been crying to mom because he hasn’t. He just said whatever and left. So...he had the opportunity to call me, and he didn’t. He did not care that I was crying...which makes me think he doesn’t care about me, and that kills me. And here I go crying again. I just don’t understand why he would do this. I mean, he tells me he misses me so much, he tells my mom he misses me, but he can’t even call me. I know it’s hard...it’s hard for me to to only be able to hear him when all I really want to do is hold him, but I deal, and he needs to also...but maybe he doesn’t want to. Maybe I’m not worth it. I just don’t know anymore...I love him so much, but he hurts me so much, and it hurts me to be away from him. But at the same time, I know if we were to break up, my heart would still be with him and I wouldn’t exactly go out looking for anyone else, so it would just be exactly the same. Except for it would be worse, ‘cause I’d never hear from him and when I went home I wouldn’t get to see him. I just don’t know what to do anymore, and I want to know why the hell he is calling his ex and not me. (Because I’m 99% sure that’s who he did call today.)
All I know is that I NEED to see him, and I don’t know when I’ll get to. I was hoping to go home next weekend, since so many people I know are going up for the weekender, but once again, I don’t think that will happen. I just don’t know what to do anymore, and I just wish I could stop crying all the goddamn time.
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Jinxed
Yup, I went and jinxed myself. I just had to go and talk about how great my life was. And now one of the five aspects have gone down the shitter, and not surprisingly it’s the financial one. Seriously, I hate money. It’s an evil thing. Why can’t we just go back to that whole trading thing. Like, if you fix my tooth, I’ll . . . well, I’m not sure what I could offer in exchange that wouldn’t just make me a whore, so I guess that wouldn’t work. So yeah, I went to the dentist on Friday and thankfully they were able to make the immense pain go away. I am very grateful for that, because tooth pain? It’s the kind of fun that’s not. Anyway, but they tell me that to get it all entirely fixed, it’s going to cost in the range of money that I just don’t have. And the guy is like, well don’t you have a job? I’m like, yeah asshole . . . but have you ever heard of rent, phone bills, and food? Kind of eats away at my paycheck. So basically, if I want to have a mouth that functions again, I’m looking at selling a kidney, or getting another job. I’m leaning towards the latter. All I got to say is now would be a great time for some RA to realized that she can’t hack it so that I can get her spot. ‘Cause now, it’s not just that I really want to be an RA, ‘cause I still do, but it’s also that I could really use those perks right about now.
Anyway, I had some other crappy news, but don’t really think I want to post it where the whole world (or well, the two people who read this!) can see.
On the good side of my life, we pretty much kicked CSU’s butt yesterday. I mean, come on? 49-0? What is that? And the thing was, that CSU actually didn’t play that bad. I mean they had some amazing passes and made some really good plays, but they could just never get it into the end zone. Too bad, so sad. Oh, and did I mention that I had the best friggin’ seat imaginable. Of course, I had to get there three hours before the game started and put all those little pompoms out. But seats in the front row at the 50-yard line pretty much makes it all worth it. Anyway, I guess that’s all for now.
Oh, and if by any chance some generous millionaire stumbles across this lovely blog and wants to give me money, I will be very okay with that! :)
Yup, I went and jinxed myself. I just had to go and talk about how great my life was. And now one of the five aspects have gone down the shitter, and not surprisingly it’s the financial one. Seriously, I hate money. It’s an evil thing. Why can’t we just go back to that whole trading thing. Like, if you fix my tooth, I’ll . . . well, I’m not sure what I could offer in exchange that wouldn’t just make me a whore, so I guess that wouldn’t work. So yeah, I went to the dentist on Friday and thankfully they were able to make the immense pain go away. I am very grateful for that, because tooth pain? It’s the kind of fun that’s not. Anyway, but they tell me that to get it all entirely fixed, it’s going to cost in the range of money that I just don’t have. And the guy is like, well don’t you have a job? I’m like, yeah asshole . . . but have you ever heard of rent, phone bills, and food? Kind of eats away at my paycheck. So basically, if I want to have a mouth that functions again, I’m looking at selling a kidney, or getting another job. I’m leaning towards the latter. All I got to say is now would be a great time for some RA to realized that she can’t hack it so that I can get her spot. ‘Cause now, it’s not just that I really want to be an RA, ‘cause I still do, but it’s also that I could really use those perks right about now.
Anyway, I had some other crappy news, but don’t really think I want to post it where the whole world (or well, the two people who read this!) can see.
On the good side of my life, we pretty much kicked CSU’s butt yesterday. I mean, come on? 49-0? What is that? And the thing was, that CSU actually didn’t play that bad. I mean they had some amazing passes and made some really good plays, but they could just never get it into the end zone. Too bad, so sad. Oh, and did I mention that I had the best friggin’ seat imaginable. Of course, I had to get there three hours before the game started and put all those little pompoms out. But seats in the front row at the 50-yard line pretty much makes it all worth it. Anyway, I guess that’s all for now.
Oh, and if by any chance some generous millionaire stumbles across this lovely blog and wants to give me money, I will be very okay with that! :)
Monday, September 06, 2004
Practically Perfect?
Well, unfortunately I didn’t get to go home this weekend, but it certainly can’t be said that I didn’t try. I think I pulled out just about every resource I have . . . including emailing someone I haven’t talked to in ages about possibly getting a ride up home. I did everything short of asking my friend Meghan if she wanted to go up this weekend, because even I’m not that selfish. She has a super mega lot of homework, so I knew that she wouldn’t be able to go, and I would never ask her . . . not seriously anyway.
Anyway, even though I didn’t get to go up there and even though I still miss him like crazy, I recently realized that my life is more perfect than it has ever been, and honestly that scares the shit out of me. Let’s take a look at the five main aspects of my life: Family, Friends, Love, School, and Finances. There has never been a time in my life where all of these are going well. If I’m getting along with my family, I’m fighting with my friends. If I’m doing well in my classes, I’m stressing about how I’m going to pay for those classes. And until a short time ago, I never had that little love category down. But right now, they are great.
Family: things were rocky over summer break in this category. My sister and I were fighting all the time, usually about him, and my mom and I just couldn’t seem to see eye to eye, and we couldn’t talk the way we used to. But since being back at school, I’ve been talking to my sister all the time and she seems to have gotten over the whole me leaving her for him thing (partly I think because she is in the process of falling in love right now). And I talk to my mom just about every day and we’ve been having the deep conversations that we used to have, and I couldn’t be happier.
Friends: This is probably the one category that’s not super perfect right now, but it’s not exactly the worst it has ever been either. I have awesome friends down here in L.A. and I’m on speaking terms with . . . I think I call him clown on here, again. He’s my friend who I’ve known since first grade, who I used to think I was in love with, but got over and then he got with my sister for half a second and I was pissed at him. Just a little recap . . . anyway, he and I are friends again, and talk almost every night online. So that’s awesome. And while Tiffany and I aren’t exactly the best of friends anymore, we at least don’t hate each other anymore. So all in all, the friendship category is pretty peachy.
Love: I’m in love for the first time ever and it’s great. I miss him, of course, but since the five day fiasco, he has been calling me every day and assuring me of how much he misses me, and he’s trying very hard to come down and visit me. So I’d say this category is as good as it could get considering the fact that I’m here and he’s there.
School: My classes are awesome and so far I have not been completely bogged down with work. I am back into the swing of things with my organizations and I’m joining some new ones, so school is definitely excellent (though it almost always is).
Finances: The little bitch that causes me the most trouble is actually not, right now anyway. I had a scare with my work study and scholarships conflicting, but that all worked out and I may actually be able to pay all my bills for the rest of the semester without anyone else’s help. Have I ever mentioned how empowering it is to be able to take care of myself with the help of no one else. I suggest everyone try it at some point or another.
Anyway, so that’s my life right now. Practically perfect in every way. And now that I’ve jinxed myself, expect a blog in a couple days talking about how my life sucks! Until next time!
Well, unfortunately I didn’t get to go home this weekend, but it certainly can’t be said that I didn’t try. I think I pulled out just about every resource I have . . . including emailing someone I haven’t talked to in ages about possibly getting a ride up home. I did everything short of asking my friend Meghan if she wanted to go up this weekend, because even I’m not that selfish. She has a super mega lot of homework, so I knew that she wouldn’t be able to go, and I would never ask her . . . not seriously anyway.
Anyway, even though I didn’t get to go up there and even though I still miss him like crazy, I recently realized that my life is more perfect than it has ever been, and honestly that scares the shit out of me. Let’s take a look at the five main aspects of my life: Family, Friends, Love, School, and Finances. There has never been a time in my life where all of these are going well. If I’m getting along with my family, I’m fighting with my friends. If I’m doing well in my classes, I’m stressing about how I’m going to pay for those classes. And until a short time ago, I never had that little love category down. But right now, they are great.
Family: things were rocky over summer break in this category. My sister and I were fighting all the time, usually about him, and my mom and I just couldn’t seem to see eye to eye, and we couldn’t talk the way we used to. But since being back at school, I’ve been talking to my sister all the time and she seems to have gotten over the whole me leaving her for him thing (partly I think because she is in the process of falling in love right now). And I talk to my mom just about every day and we’ve been having the deep conversations that we used to have, and I couldn’t be happier.
Friends: This is probably the one category that’s not super perfect right now, but it’s not exactly the worst it has ever been either. I have awesome friends down here in L.A. and I’m on speaking terms with . . . I think I call him clown on here, again. He’s my friend who I’ve known since first grade, who I used to think I was in love with, but got over and then he got with my sister for half a second and I was pissed at him. Just a little recap . . . anyway, he and I are friends again, and talk almost every night online. So that’s awesome. And while Tiffany and I aren’t exactly the best of friends anymore, we at least don’t hate each other anymore. So all in all, the friendship category is pretty peachy.
Love: I’m in love for the first time ever and it’s great. I miss him, of course, but since the five day fiasco, he has been calling me every day and assuring me of how much he misses me, and he’s trying very hard to come down and visit me. So I’d say this category is as good as it could get considering the fact that I’m here and he’s there.
School: My classes are awesome and so far I have not been completely bogged down with work. I am back into the swing of things with my organizations and I’m joining some new ones, so school is definitely excellent (though it almost always is).
Finances: The little bitch that causes me the most trouble is actually not, right now anyway. I had a scare with my work study and scholarships conflicting, but that all worked out and I may actually be able to pay all my bills for the rest of the semester without anyone else’s help. Have I ever mentioned how empowering it is to be able to take care of myself with the help of no one else. I suggest everyone try it at some point or another.
Anyway, so that’s my life right now. Practically perfect in every way. And now that I’ve jinxed myself, expect a blog in a couple days talking about how my life sucks! Until next time!
