Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Love
So I’ve been thinking a lot about love recently. It’s a funny thing really. If you think about it, it’s all anyone ever really wants in this life...but how many of us really ever find it? How do you really know that you’re in love? I think I’ve been in love twice...but is that really possible? For love to be real...shouldn’t it have to be eternal? If you stop loving someone, does that mean you never really loved them in the first place? I think I’ve finally found real love, but as my friend Meghan pointed out, I tend to do that a lot. But this time it just seems different. I’ve liked a lot of guys, as any of my friends could tell you, but only a few have liked me back.
First there was E-tard. My nickname for him tells you all you need to know. I was 16. We were complete opposites in so many ways, and just alike in just as many others. He liked to do the most random things...and it was fun, because we were together. I talked to him for hours at a time about the most random things and I opened up to him about things that I’d only ever told my best friends. But we only went out for two weeks...we never even kissed.
Then after a long gap, there was Little Boy Blue. I was 19...he was 16, and you better believe I got shit for that. But I liked him. He was sweet, and geeky like me. We only had a couple days together before I went back to school...but we decided to try long distance...he was my first kiss. But he turned out to be a little boy through and through. His parents said he couldn’t date me...he didn’t argue...and then he proceeded to spread lies about me. I’ve seen him a couple times since then, and I just roll my eyes. I swore after that I wouldn’t date younger again...at least not that young.
Then there was First. I loved him. I know I don’t anymore, but I can’t deny that for a while there I really, truly loved him. But I think I always knew it wouldn’t last. A small part of me really believed we would get married one day...but the other part knew that he was never going to change, and that I couldn’t stay with him unless he did. I lost my virginity to him...sometimes I regret it...but most of the time I know that I did love him and that he loved me. If there’s one thing I am sure of, it’s that he loved me...
Then there was Lemon Skittle. He opened my eyes to the fact that I deserved better than first. I could talk to him about anything, and he was the first guy...the only so far...to really open up to me. I think that’s why I fell so hard and so fast. He trusted me...something First never did. He told me things that I know was hard for him to tell me. I think in some way I loved him...but not the kind of love that is so complicated. It’s more of a friendship love...it makes me know that he’ll always be in my life in some way or another.
Then there was Charms. If ever there was a rebound...Charms would be him. I was rebounding off both First and L.S. He was adorable and he made me laugh, and he treated me the way I always thought a boyfriend should treat a girlfriend. Really...he swept me off my feet. I convinced myself I loved him. But I never really did. I cared for him deeply, but I think I was forcing myself to feel things that weren’t there because I needed to get over L.S. He’ll still always be special to me...but I know he’s not the one.
And now there’s Inima. Now that I’ve put this down on “paper” I’ve realized that Inima has a little bit of all the guys in my past. He and I can have fun no matter what we’re doing like E-tard and I could. We can sit on a dock and just talk, go around WalMart talking about things we’d buy if we had a house, or just sit in his room and watch movies. As long as we’re together, I’m happy. He’s geeky like me like Little Boy Blue was...but it’s a different kind of geeky so that we can learn from each other (though we both have the Harry Potter geekiness.) I have that inner connection with him like I had with First. Something that can’t be put into words that makes me love him. Plus, just like I loved First because he needed me...I know in my heart that Inima needs me too...that I can help make him a better person. But unlike First, I need Inima to help make me a better person as well. And then just like Lemon Skittle...I can tell Inima anything. He knows everything about me...every last one of my secrets...my hopes my dreams...but better than L.S. a lot of the time I don’t even have to tell him. As corny as it sounds...Inima can see into my soul. The only thing that L.S. has on him is that Inima has yet to open up to me. He’s guarded...and I understand that, and I hope that one day he will trust me enough to open up to me too. And finally like Charms, he treats me the way I think a girlfriend should be treated by a boyfriend. He holds my hand while we drive, he’ll pick me up and throw me over his shoulder, he tickles me, he cuddles with me, he texts me with little messages throughout the day. He makes me feel special and he makes me feel loved...and I think, while I did love First...it wasn’t a complete love. I loved First because I could make him happy...it was all for him, I really got nothing out of it. But with Inima...I love him because I can make him happy, because I’m good for him...but also because he makes me happy. Love is about give and take. Love is about being together and making each other happy and making each other better people. Two people in love should be able to be survive without each other...but they’d never want to. They need each other because they want each other. I think that’s what love really is...and I think, for the first time, I may have found true love...with Inima.
So I’ve been thinking a lot about love recently. It’s a funny thing really. If you think about it, it’s all anyone ever really wants in this life...but how many of us really ever find it? How do you really know that you’re in love? I think I’ve been in love twice...but is that really possible? For love to be real...shouldn’t it have to be eternal? If you stop loving someone, does that mean you never really loved them in the first place? I think I’ve finally found real love, but as my friend Meghan pointed out, I tend to do that a lot. But this time it just seems different. I’ve liked a lot of guys, as any of my friends could tell you, but only a few have liked me back.
First there was E-tard. My nickname for him tells you all you need to know. I was 16. We were complete opposites in so many ways, and just alike in just as many others. He liked to do the most random things...and it was fun, because we were together. I talked to him for hours at a time about the most random things and I opened up to him about things that I’d only ever told my best friends. But we only went out for two weeks...we never even kissed.
Then after a long gap, there was Little Boy Blue. I was 19...he was 16, and you better believe I got shit for that. But I liked him. He was sweet, and geeky like me. We only had a couple days together before I went back to school...but we decided to try long distance...he was my first kiss. But he turned out to be a little boy through and through. His parents said he couldn’t date me...he didn’t argue...and then he proceeded to spread lies about me. I’ve seen him a couple times since then, and I just roll my eyes. I swore after that I wouldn’t date younger again...at least not that young.
Then there was First. I loved him. I know I don’t anymore, but I can’t deny that for a while there I really, truly loved him. But I think I always knew it wouldn’t last. A small part of me really believed we would get married one day...but the other part knew that he was never going to change, and that I couldn’t stay with him unless he did. I lost my virginity to him...sometimes I regret it...but most of the time I know that I did love him and that he loved me. If there’s one thing I am sure of, it’s that he loved me...
Then there was Lemon Skittle. He opened my eyes to the fact that I deserved better than first. I could talk to him about anything, and he was the first guy...the only so far...to really open up to me. I think that’s why I fell so hard and so fast. He trusted me...something First never did. He told me things that I know was hard for him to tell me. I think in some way I loved him...but not the kind of love that is so complicated. It’s more of a friendship love...it makes me know that he’ll always be in my life in some way or another.
Then there was Charms. If ever there was a rebound...Charms would be him. I was rebounding off both First and L.S. He was adorable and he made me laugh, and he treated me the way I always thought a boyfriend should treat a girlfriend. Really...he swept me off my feet. I convinced myself I loved him. But I never really did. I cared for him deeply, but I think I was forcing myself to feel things that weren’t there because I needed to get over L.S. He’ll still always be special to me...but I know he’s not the one.
And now there’s Inima. Now that I’ve put this down on “paper” I’ve realized that Inima has a little bit of all the guys in my past. He and I can have fun no matter what we’re doing like E-tard and I could. We can sit on a dock and just talk, go around WalMart talking about things we’d buy if we had a house, or just sit in his room and watch movies. As long as we’re together, I’m happy. He’s geeky like me like Little Boy Blue was...but it’s a different kind of geeky so that we can learn from each other (though we both have the Harry Potter geekiness.) I have that inner connection with him like I had with First. Something that can’t be put into words that makes me love him. Plus, just like I loved First because he needed me...I know in my heart that Inima needs me too...that I can help make him a better person. But unlike First, I need Inima to help make me a better person as well. And then just like Lemon Skittle...I can tell Inima anything. He knows everything about me...every last one of my secrets...my hopes my dreams...but better than L.S. a lot of the time I don’t even have to tell him. As corny as it sounds...Inima can see into my soul. The only thing that L.S. has on him is that Inima has yet to open up to me. He’s guarded...and I understand that, and I hope that one day he will trust me enough to open up to me too. And finally like Charms, he treats me the way I think a girlfriend should be treated by a boyfriend. He holds my hand while we drive, he’ll pick me up and throw me over his shoulder, he tickles me, he cuddles with me, he texts me with little messages throughout the day. He makes me feel special and he makes me feel loved...and I think, while I did love First...it wasn’t a complete love. I loved First because I could make him happy...it was all for him, I really got nothing out of it. But with Inima...I love him because I can make him happy, because I’m good for him...but also because he makes me happy. Love is about give and take. Love is about being together and making each other happy and making each other better people. Two people in love should be able to be survive without each other...but they’d never want to. They need each other because they want each other. I think that’s what love really is...and I think, for the first time, I may have found true love...with Inima.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Hope
I have hope. I thought I had lost him. I thought that he had just decided to cut me out of his life...and I wanted to die. Last night Inima and I were talking and we started arguing and then he wouldn’t talk to me. Wouldn’t answer his phone, blocked me on IM, wouldn’t respond to my texts. All I got was an IM that said to stop trying to call, he wasn’t going to answer, and a text that said “I’m sorry. It has to be this way. I will miss you and I did care for you...” which pretty much sounds like goodbye to me. I thought that was it. I thought my mistake had cost me the best thing that ever happened to me, and in that moment, I knew real pain. I think I could possibly go on even if I didn’t have Inima as my boyfriend, but to not even have him as a friend is something I can’t even fathom. I’ve known that I love him, but I think in that moment...while I was reading that text message...it really hit home. I’m in love with this man in a way that I can’t even comprehend. So why do I have hope? Because that wasn’t the end. He sent me a text later asking if I was okay and when I called, he picked up. We talked and we ended up arguing again. But then later after he sent me an email that made me really understand a little bit of what he’s feeling, we talked. We talked for hours. And he tested me...he put me through a kind of hell that I never want to go through again, but I knew that if I could just keep going, keep talking, keep answering his questions...there might be a chance. So I did...and he didn’t forgive me. He never will. But...he does think he can move on from this, and I haven’t lost him. “You haven’t lost me.” The four most beautiful words I’ve ever heard. I think I may have shown him exactly how sorry I am and exactly how much I love him. Maybe things will be better now. I hope...it’s so nice to be able to experience hope again.
I have hope. I thought I had lost him. I thought that he had just decided to cut me out of his life...and I wanted to die. Last night Inima and I were talking and we started arguing and then he wouldn’t talk to me. Wouldn’t answer his phone, blocked me on IM, wouldn’t respond to my texts. All I got was an IM that said to stop trying to call, he wasn’t going to answer, and a text that said “I’m sorry. It has to be this way. I will miss you and I did care for you...” which pretty much sounds like goodbye to me. I thought that was it. I thought my mistake had cost me the best thing that ever happened to me, and in that moment, I knew real pain. I think I could possibly go on even if I didn’t have Inima as my boyfriend, but to not even have him as a friend is something I can’t even fathom. I’ve known that I love him, but I think in that moment...while I was reading that text message...it really hit home. I’m in love with this man in a way that I can’t even comprehend. So why do I have hope? Because that wasn’t the end. He sent me a text later asking if I was okay and when I called, he picked up. We talked and we ended up arguing again. But then later after he sent me an email that made me really understand a little bit of what he’s feeling, we talked. We talked for hours. And he tested me...he put me through a kind of hell that I never want to go through again, but I knew that if I could just keep going, keep talking, keep answering his questions...there might be a chance. So I did...and he didn’t forgive me. He never will. But...he does think he can move on from this, and I haven’t lost him. “You haven’t lost me.” The four most beautiful words I’ve ever heard. I think I may have shown him exactly how sorry I am and exactly how much I love him. Maybe things will be better now. I hope...it’s so nice to be able to experience hope again.
Monday, August 22, 2005
I’m a Dumb Ass
So yeah, all that about being happy and everything being perfect...I screwed that up beyond all belief. And I know it was my fault. I lost control and did something stupid. I love Inima...and yet on Saturday, when I had had a bit to drink...I ended up hooking up with Charms. Knowing that he and I were just supposed to be friends...knowing that even though Inima and I technically weren’t together anymore that it would still be a stupid thing to do, because we were together in my heart...knowing all this, I still did it. And then I told Inima. I could say I regret doing that, but I know that I had to. I couldn’t lie to him...and lying by omission is still lying. If the situation were reversed, I would want to know...even though I know he wouldn’t tell me. So I tell him and he says it’s fine that we aren’t together, that I can do whatever I want. But I can tell I hurt him. And that’s the last thing I ever wanted to do. I love him. But there’s the problem. I told him that all I want to do is make him happy and he said to make him happy I have to stop loving him. He never wanted me to love him, because he knew that I would end up getting hurt and he didn’t want to hurt me. He’s a good guy and he hates that this is breaking my heart...even if he didn’t do it. Cause he didn’t break my heart...I did that all on my own. But now I’m supposed to not love him. I suppose he thinks that I’m going to get back together with Charms, but I can’t do that. I love Inima...not Charms and I can’t just get with someone because I can’t be with the person I really want. True, I did that with Inima, but now I know how I feel about both options, and while I care about Charms a lot...he’s not Inima. I can’t put into words how he makes me feel, but I know I’ve never felt this way before...even with First during the best of our times, I didn’t feel like this and I know that, even though I regret it now, I did love First...I certainly don’t anymore...but there was a time that I did. But I told Inima that I would try to stop loving him...that’s the best I can offer is to try. But asking me to not love him is like asking me not to breathe...I can try to do it, but it will hurt like hell, and if I succeed, I’ll just be dead anyway...not physically dead, but emotionally. I hate that I did this to him, because we were just supposed to be a summer thing, I wasn’t supposed to get attached and we were just supposed to have fun. And now I’m making him feel bad because I feel bad. But even as I try to stop loving him, I can’t get the thought out of my mind that we’re meant to be together, and one day we will be again.
So yeah, all that about being happy and everything being perfect...I screwed that up beyond all belief. And I know it was my fault. I lost control and did something stupid. I love Inima...and yet on Saturday, when I had had a bit to drink...I ended up hooking up with Charms. Knowing that he and I were just supposed to be friends...knowing that even though Inima and I technically weren’t together anymore that it would still be a stupid thing to do, because we were together in my heart...knowing all this, I still did it. And then I told Inima. I could say I regret doing that, but I know that I had to. I couldn’t lie to him...and lying by omission is still lying. If the situation were reversed, I would want to know...even though I know he wouldn’t tell me. So I tell him and he says it’s fine that we aren’t together, that I can do whatever I want. But I can tell I hurt him. And that’s the last thing I ever wanted to do. I love him. But there’s the problem. I told him that all I want to do is make him happy and he said to make him happy I have to stop loving him. He never wanted me to love him, because he knew that I would end up getting hurt and he didn’t want to hurt me. He’s a good guy and he hates that this is breaking my heart...even if he didn’t do it. Cause he didn’t break my heart...I did that all on my own. But now I’m supposed to not love him. I suppose he thinks that I’m going to get back together with Charms, but I can’t do that. I love Inima...not Charms and I can’t just get with someone because I can’t be with the person I really want. True, I did that with Inima, but now I know how I feel about both options, and while I care about Charms a lot...he’s not Inima. I can’t put into words how he makes me feel, but I know I’ve never felt this way before...even with First during the best of our times, I didn’t feel like this and I know that, even though I regret it now, I did love First...I certainly don’t anymore...but there was a time that I did. But I told Inima that I would try to stop loving him...that’s the best I can offer is to try. But asking me to not love him is like asking me not to breathe...I can try to do it, but it will hurt like hell, and if I succeed, I’ll just be dead anyway...not physically dead, but emotionally. I hate that I did this to him, because we were just supposed to be a summer thing, I wasn’t supposed to get attached and we were just supposed to have fun. And now I’m making him feel bad because I feel bad. But even as I try to stop loving him, I can’t get the thought out of my mind that we’re meant to be together, and one day we will be again.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
The Weight of the World
...is finally off my shoulders. I know I haven't written all summer, but that's because I couldn't. I couldn't risk Charms reading my blog and finding out that I was falling in love with someone else. But yesterday I told him about my summer boyfriend, who I shall refer to as Inima. If you don't know what that is...look it up. I'll give you a hint...he's Romanian. And if online translators are big old liars and I just did something really stupid...we'll pretend I didn't. Anyway...I met Inima back in June and I was all torn all summer...cause I did still really care about Charms, but with each passing day I fell a little bit more for Inima. And then I felt like Charms was avoiding me ever since I got back (on Wednesday night) and I was sad, cause even if I didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore, I do still adore him and want to be his friend. But I confronted him about all that yesterday and we are totally on the same page. He just wants to be friends too...I told him about Inima and he wasn't upset at all. It's completely awesome, and I finally feel free...yay! I'm so happy to be back at school...except for the fact that I miss Inima like crazy.
...is finally off my shoulders. I know I haven't written all summer, but that's because I couldn't. I couldn't risk Charms reading my blog and finding out that I was falling in love with someone else. But yesterday I told him about my summer boyfriend, who I shall refer to as Inima. If you don't know what that is...look it up. I'll give you a hint...he's Romanian. And if online translators are big old liars and I just did something really stupid...we'll pretend I didn't. Anyway...I met Inima back in June and I was all torn all summer...cause I did still really care about Charms, but with each passing day I fell a little bit more for Inima. And then I felt like Charms was avoiding me ever since I got back (on Wednesday night) and I was sad, cause even if I didn't want to be his girlfriend anymore, I do still adore him and want to be his friend. But I confronted him about all that yesterday and we are totally on the same page. He just wants to be friends too...I told him about Inima and he wasn't upset at all. It's completely awesome, and I finally feel free...yay! I'm so happy to be back at school...except for the fact that I miss Inima like crazy.
