Saturday, October 08, 2005
Memories
How did I get here? Sometimes I think about the person I used to be, and I wonder what she would say to me. Would she be proud? I think of some things, but of others, I don’t think she would be. I can remember a more innocent time, and sometimes I really miss it. It was less than three years ago that I didn’t even know what it was like to kiss a guy. Now, that’s just hard to believe. I didn’t know anything about relationships, I didn’t know anything about love, and while I thought I knew heartache, I really didn’t. How did I get here?
And how did I lose so many people along the way? I still have the people that I knew would always be by my side. There were four people that I knew would always be my friends...and I still know they always will be. I may not talk to them and see them every day like I used to, but true friends are so much more than that. True friends are people that you can not talk to for months, and then just pick up the phone and it’s like no time has passed. They are there for you and they love you...no matter what. But what about those others. What about those people who I didn’t necessarily call my best friends, but I did count them as important to me? Where are they now? Gone. I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me...cause I think about them. I think about a lot of people who probably barely remember who I am. It’s tough...wanting to hang on to the past, but knowing I have to let it go to move on to the future.
The future. God, what a scary concept that is. I miss the time where I just thought I had everything figured out. Where I was naive enough to think that finding the person you want to spend your life with was the hard part...and from then on it was easy, when really, it’s pretty much the opposite. Oh, you can find that person...but love is never simple. In fact, you can never be sure. People say, “When you find that person you want to be with, you’ll just know,” but that’s a load of bull. You can’t just know. It’s in human nature to doubt, to wonder, to think that there might be other opportunities, other possibilities out there. You never know. Until the day you die...you know nothing...you can think things...but you can never know.
You always think things will get better as you get older. I remember in high school I couldn’t wait to go to college. I was convinced that it would be so much better...and really, it has been. I’ve had more fun here than I ever imagined I could...but I’ve experienced a lot of stress, a lot of unhappiness, and a lot of drama that I never could have imagined in high school. And soon I’ll be graduating from college, and I like to think now that the real world will be better. Having my own place, having a career, having a family...but I know, once I get there, I’ll look back on this time, and I’ll miss it, and I’ll wish that I could go back...just like I wish I could go back to H.S. now...just like I wished I could go back to elementary school...to being a child...to being so wonderfully naive and innocent...and happy. It’s only a vague memory now...but I can still feel it. I can still remember being truly happy...not worrying about anything...just being a child. I wish I could feel that kind of happiness again...if only for a moment.
How did I get here? Sometimes I think about the person I used to be, and I wonder what she would say to me. Would she be proud? I think of some things, but of others, I don’t think she would be. I can remember a more innocent time, and sometimes I really miss it. It was less than three years ago that I didn’t even know what it was like to kiss a guy. Now, that’s just hard to believe. I didn’t know anything about relationships, I didn’t know anything about love, and while I thought I knew heartache, I really didn’t. How did I get here?
And how did I lose so many people along the way? I still have the people that I knew would always be by my side. There were four people that I knew would always be my friends...and I still know they always will be. I may not talk to them and see them every day like I used to, but true friends are so much more than that. True friends are people that you can not talk to for months, and then just pick up the phone and it’s like no time has passed. They are there for you and they love you...no matter what. But what about those others. What about those people who I didn’t necessarily call my best friends, but I did count them as important to me? Where are they now? Gone. I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me...cause I think about them. I think about a lot of people who probably barely remember who I am. It’s tough...wanting to hang on to the past, but knowing I have to let it go to move on to the future.
The future. God, what a scary concept that is. I miss the time where I just thought I had everything figured out. Where I was naive enough to think that finding the person you want to spend your life with was the hard part...and from then on it was easy, when really, it’s pretty much the opposite. Oh, you can find that person...but love is never simple. In fact, you can never be sure. People say, “When you find that person you want to be with, you’ll just know,” but that’s a load of bull. You can’t just know. It’s in human nature to doubt, to wonder, to think that there might be other opportunities, other possibilities out there. You never know. Until the day you die...you know nothing...you can think things...but you can never know.
You always think things will get better as you get older. I remember in high school I couldn’t wait to go to college. I was convinced that it would be so much better...and really, it has been. I’ve had more fun here than I ever imagined I could...but I’ve experienced a lot of stress, a lot of unhappiness, and a lot of drama that I never could have imagined in high school. And soon I’ll be graduating from college, and I like to think now that the real world will be better. Having my own place, having a career, having a family...but I know, once I get there, I’ll look back on this time, and I’ll miss it, and I’ll wish that I could go back...just like I wish I could go back to H.S. now...just like I wished I could go back to elementary school...to being a child...to being so wonderfully naive and innocent...and happy. It’s only a vague memory now...but I can still feel it. I can still remember being truly happy...not worrying about anything...just being a child. I wish I could feel that kind of happiness again...if only for a moment.
