Monday, December 19, 2005
The Future
So I haven’t written in over two months and you would think a lot of stuff would have happened, and guess what? It did. I had more boy drama than I ever care to have again. There was a whole lot of confusion on my part, some hurt feelings, so days where I didn’t really feel like living any more, but in the end, it all worked out...and I’m still with Inima. Sometimes I’m afraid that I may have hurt Charms, but he is still one of my best friends and I’ll always have a special place for him in my heart...and I hope he’ll always be in my life. But I realized that the way I feel about him just cannot compare to the way I feel about Inima. It’s an all-consuming kind of ache. I love him in a way that I didn’t know I could love. Cause, even though I hate his guts now and am fairly certain I wouldn’t even be sad if he died, I did love First...who I’m thinking about renaming to something loathsome...because he is loathsome. Did I mention I hate First now? Cause I do. But yeah, I DID love him...once...even if that love was caused by a mixture of pity and temporary insanity...it was there. And while I wasn’t in love with Charms, I did and still do love him...but more in a friendship, almost brotherly/sisterly way. But with Inima...it’s just...different. I can’t even explain it, except to say that it makes me feel...happy. When I’m with him, I’m just happy...and unfortunately it’s hard for me to feel that way anymore.
Except when I’m watching USC Football...
Ah, USC Football, how I love thee. We went for another undefeated season. In a couple of weeks we will be going for the three-pete...the unprecedented, never been done before in college football, three-pete. I can’t even wait. But what’s almost exciting as that is the fact that Reggie won the Heisman. Do you realize that if USC wins in the Rose Bowl I will have had one of the best 4 years of college football. 3 Heismans and 3 national championships...in the four years I was at USC. CRAZY! But God, that makes me sad. I love USC. I love that school more than it is natural to love a school. I love the campus, the classes, the professors, and most of all my friends. And in a few short months, I’ll be leaving. That makes me sadder than I even thought possible. You know what the really scary thing is? Tomorrow I’ll find out whether or not I’m actually going to be in the REAL WORLD next year.
Tomorrow I find out whether or not I got into Teach for America. I’m absolutely terrified. I’m terrified that I won’t get in...and I’m terrified that I will. I want this SO bad. I know that I’m the kind of person this program needs. I know that it will be hard and that it will probably wear me down more than I’ve ever been worn down in my life...but I want it, and I know I can do it. But at the same time, as much confidence as I have that I can do it...there’s a small part of me that doubts. That’s why I’m almost as scared of getting it as I am of not getting it. They’re going to email the acceptances and rejections tomorrow at 5...but I don’t think I’m going to check my email until I’m with Inima after he gets off work. I need him there with me. He’s helped me through the whole application process...believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself...calming me down when I didn’t think I could do it...and I need him there to celebrate with me or to hold me in my disappointment, depending on how things go. But I am very, very scared. Tomorrow my future could be decided.
So I haven’t written in over two months and you would think a lot of stuff would have happened, and guess what? It did. I had more boy drama than I ever care to have again. There was a whole lot of confusion on my part, some hurt feelings, so days where I didn’t really feel like living any more, but in the end, it all worked out...and I’m still with Inima. Sometimes I’m afraid that I may have hurt Charms, but he is still one of my best friends and I’ll always have a special place for him in my heart...and I hope he’ll always be in my life. But I realized that the way I feel about him just cannot compare to the way I feel about Inima. It’s an all-consuming kind of ache. I love him in a way that I didn’t know I could love. Cause, even though I hate his guts now and am fairly certain I wouldn’t even be sad if he died, I did love First...who I’m thinking about renaming to something loathsome...because he is loathsome. Did I mention I hate First now? Cause I do. But yeah, I DID love him...once...even if that love was caused by a mixture of pity and temporary insanity...it was there. And while I wasn’t in love with Charms, I did and still do love him...but more in a friendship, almost brotherly/sisterly way. But with Inima...it’s just...different. I can’t even explain it, except to say that it makes me feel...happy. When I’m with him, I’m just happy...and unfortunately it’s hard for me to feel that way anymore.
Except when I’m watching USC Football...
Ah, USC Football, how I love thee. We went for another undefeated season. In a couple of weeks we will be going for the three-pete...the unprecedented, never been done before in college football, three-pete. I can’t even wait. But what’s almost exciting as that is the fact that Reggie won the Heisman. Do you realize that if USC wins in the Rose Bowl I will have had one of the best 4 years of college football. 3 Heismans and 3 national championships...in the four years I was at USC. CRAZY! But God, that makes me sad. I love USC. I love that school more than it is natural to love a school. I love the campus, the classes, the professors, and most of all my friends. And in a few short months, I’ll be leaving. That makes me sadder than I even thought possible. You know what the really scary thing is? Tomorrow I’ll find out whether or not I’m actually going to be in the REAL WORLD next year.
Tomorrow I find out whether or not I got into Teach for America. I’m absolutely terrified. I’m terrified that I won’t get in...and I’m terrified that I will. I want this SO bad. I know that I’m the kind of person this program needs. I know that it will be hard and that it will probably wear me down more than I’ve ever been worn down in my life...but I want it, and I know I can do it. But at the same time, as much confidence as I have that I can do it...there’s a small part of me that doubts. That’s why I’m almost as scared of getting it as I am of not getting it. They’re going to email the acceptances and rejections tomorrow at 5...but I don’t think I’m going to check my email until I’m with Inima after he gets off work. I need him there with me. He’s helped me through the whole application process...believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself...calming me down when I didn’t think I could do it...and I need him there to celebrate with me or to hold me in my disappointment, depending on how things go. But I am very, very scared. Tomorrow my future could be decided.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Memories
How did I get here? Sometimes I think about the person I used to be, and I wonder what she would say to me. Would she be proud? I think of some things, but of others, I don’t think she would be. I can remember a more innocent time, and sometimes I really miss it. It was less than three years ago that I didn’t even know what it was like to kiss a guy. Now, that’s just hard to believe. I didn’t know anything about relationships, I didn’t know anything about love, and while I thought I knew heartache, I really didn’t. How did I get here?
And how did I lose so many people along the way? I still have the people that I knew would always be by my side. There were four people that I knew would always be my friends...and I still know they always will be. I may not talk to them and see them every day like I used to, but true friends are so much more than that. True friends are people that you can not talk to for months, and then just pick up the phone and it’s like no time has passed. They are there for you and they love you...no matter what. But what about those others. What about those people who I didn’t necessarily call my best friends, but I did count them as important to me? Where are they now? Gone. I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me...cause I think about them. I think about a lot of people who probably barely remember who I am. It’s tough...wanting to hang on to the past, but knowing I have to let it go to move on to the future.
The future. God, what a scary concept that is. I miss the time where I just thought I had everything figured out. Where I was naive enough to think that finding the person you want to spend your life with was the hard part...and from then on it was easy, when really, it’s pretty much the opposite. Oh, you can find that person...but love is never simple. In fact, you can never be sure. People say, “When you find that person you want to be with, you’ll just know,” but that’s a load of bull. You can’t just know. It’s in human nature to doubt, to wonder, to think that there might be other opportunities, other possibilities out there. You never know. Until the day you die...you know nothing...you can think things...but you can never know.
You always think things will get better as you get older. I remember in high school I couldn’t wait to go to college. I was convinced that it would be so much better...and really, it has been. I’ve had more fun here than I ever imagined I could...but I’ve experienced a lot of stress, a lot of unhappiness, and a lot of drama that I never could have imagined in high school. And soon I’ll be graduating from college, and I like to think now that the real world will be better. Having my own place, having a career, having a family...but I know, once I get there, I’ll look back on this time, and I’ll miss it, and I’ll wish that I could go back...just like I wish I could go back to H.S. now...just like I wished I could go back to elementary school...to being a child...to being so wonderfully naive and innocent...and happy. It’s only a vague memory now...but I can still feel it. I can still remember being truly happy...not worrying about anything...just being a child. I wish I could feel that kind of happiness again...if only for a moment.
How did I get here? Sometimes I think about the person I used to be, and I wonder what she would say to me. Would she be proud? I think of some things, but of others, I don’t think she would be. I can remember a more innocent time, and sometimes I really miss it. It was less than three years ago that I didn’t even know what it was like to kiss a guy. Now, that’s just hard to believe. I didn’t know anything about relationships, I didn’t know anything about love, and while I thought I knew heartache, I really didn’t. How did I get here?
And how did I lose so many people along the way? I still have the people that I knew would always be by my side. There were four people that I knew would always be my friends...and I still know they always will be. I may not talk to them and see them every day like I used to, but true friends are so much more than that. True friends are people that you can not talk to for months, and then just pick up the phone and it’s like no time has passed. They are there for you and they love you...no matter what. But what about those others. What about those people who I didn’t necessarily call my best friends, but I did count them as important to me? Where are they now? Gone. I sometimes wonder if they ever think about me...cause I think about them. I think about a lot of people who probably barely remember who I am. It’s tough...wanting to hang on to the past, but knowing I have to let it go to move on to the future.
The future. God, what a scary concept that is. I miss the time where I just thought I had everything figured out. Where I was naive enough to think that finding the person you want to spend your life with was the hard part...and from then on it was easy, when really, it’s pretty much the opposite. Oh, you can find that person...but love is never simple. In fact, you can never be sure. People say, “When you find that person you want to be with, you’ll just know,” but that’s a load of bull. You can’t just know. It’s in human nature to doubt, to wonder, to think that there might be other opportunities, other possibilities out there. You never know. Until the day you die...you know nothing...you can think things...but you can never know.
You always think things will get better as you get older. I remember in high school I couldn’t wait to go to college. I was convinced that it would be so much better...and really, it has been. I’ve had more fun here than I ever imagined I could...but I’ve experienced a lot of stress, a lot of unhappiness, and a lot of drama that I never could have imagined in high school. And soon I’ll be graduating from college, and I like to think now that the real world will be better. Having my own place, having a career, having a family...but I know, once I get there, I’ll look back on this time, and I’ll miss it, and I’ll wish that I could go back...just like I wish I could go back to H.S. now...just like I wished I could go back to elementary school...to being a child...to being so wonderfully naive and innocent...and happy. It’s only a vague memory now...but I can still feel it. I can still remember being truly happy...not worrying about anything...just being a child. I wish I could feel that kind of happiness again...if only for a moment.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
I Love USC Football
Every once in a while, I’ll get sad and wish I had decided to go to school closer to home. This is usually when I’m missing Inima (and last year when I would miss First...who I really need to think of a nastier name for, because I hate him...but that’s not the topic of this blog, so we’ll put a pin in that for now). However, the majority of the time, I love USC so much and can’t imagine how I could possibly ever have been happy if I hadn’t have come here. Yesterday was definitely one of those days.
USC Football has started again and yesterday was our first home game. I started the day off by going to the bookstore to buy a Reggie Bush jersey (in children’s size...it’s cheaper that way) and then later on went to a tailgate with the Knights. I had a lovely time drinking with my friends, and painting the boys cardinal. :) Then on to the Coliseum where I get to spend time with my Helenes before the game starts, and then once it begins, I get to watch our team work their magic. Now, because I am a Helene and go to the stadium early to put all the pom poms out in the student section, I get to sit in the front row on the 50 yard line, so basically the football players (and of course Petey!) are basically right in front of me. Good times.
Yesterday was also awesome because, my Big Sis, Kimi, who graduated last year came to the game and I can’t describe how happy I was to see her. I nearly knocked her over with the hug I gave her.
Then, to make the night truly complete, in the final quarter when our second string was in, Reggie was standing on the bench and basically just 20 feet in front of me. So I yell, “Reggie!” But he doesn’t react. The girls see what I am trying to do and we decide to all yell for him at once, so we count to three then about 10 of us yell, “REGGIE” and he turns, looks embarrassed, smiles and waves. And I swear to God, I actually got weak in the knees. Like I literally could not stand and I was shaking with excitement. I cannot describe the crush I have on this boy. Besides being the most amazing football player ever (I mean, if you’ve never seen a USC football game, you have to see one, because the things this boy can do is amazing. If he’s given an inch, a centimeter even, he will break through and run across the whole field for a touch down. I’ve seen him break through 4 possible tackles in a row, I’ve seen him show that not only can he receive and rush, but he can pass as well, anybody who has an appreciation for football would be in love with Reggie) but he’s SO modest. There are many amazing football players on our team, but, in my experience, most of them are cocky bastards. Reggie always comes off as very modest. I have seen him just look so disappointed in himself when he messes up (which, let’s face it, is a rare occurrence) and when he does something amazing, he doesn’t seem to even realize how amazing it was. Even when we called out to him, he had this look on his face like, “Why do you want to get my attention?” He doesn’t realize how much everyone loves him. There are times where the entire stadium will be chanting his name, and still he doesn’t seem to get that he is the biggest deal there is. So yes, Reggie smiling and waving at me (and of course the rest of the girls as well) ranks among the greatest moments of my life.
And that is why I love USC football. :)
Every once in a while, I’ll get sad and wish I had decided to go to school closer to home. This is usually when I’m missing Inima (and last year when I would miss First...who I really need to think of a nastier name for, because I hate him...but that’s not the topic of this blog, so we’ll put a pin in that for now). However, the majority of the time, I love USC so much and can’t imagine how I could possibly ever have been happy if I hadn’t have come here. Yesterday was definitely one of those days.
USC Football has started again and yesterday was our first home game. I started the day off by going to the bookstore to buy a Reggie Bush jersey (in children’s size...it’s cheaper that way) and then later on went to a tailgate with the Knights. I had a lovely time drinking with my friends, and painting the boys cardinal. :) Then on to the Coliseum where I get to spend time with my Helenes before the game starts, and then once it begins, I get to watch our team work their magic. Now, because I am a Helene and go to the stadium early to put all the pom poms out in the student section, I get to sit in the front row on the 50 yard line, so basically the football players (and of course Petey!) are basically right in front of me. Good times.
Yesterday was also awesome because, my Big Sis, Kimi, who graduated last year came to the game and I can’t describe how happy I was to see her. I nearly knocked her over with the hug I gave her.
Then, to make the night truly complete, in the final quarter when our second string was in, Reggie was standing on the bench and basically just 20 feet in front of me. So I yell, “Reggie!” But he doesn’t react. The girls see what I am trying to do and we decide to all yell for him at once, so we count to three then about 10 of us yell, “REGGIE” and he turns, looks embarrassed, smiles and waves. And I swear to God, I actually got weak in the knees. Like I literally could not stand and I was shaking with excitement. I cannot describe the crush I have on this boy. Besides being the most amazing football player ever (I mean, if you’ve never seen a USC football game, you have to see one, because the things this boy can do is amazing. If he’s given an inch, a centimeter even, he will break through and run across the whole field for a touch down. I’ve seen him break through 4 possible tackles in a row, I’ve seen him show that not only can he receive and rush, but he can pass as well, anybody who has an appreciation for football would be in love with Reggie) but he’s SO modest. There are many amazing football players on our team, but, in my experience, most of them are cocky bastards. Reggie always comes off as very modest. I have seen him just look so disappointed in himself when he messes up (which, let’s face it, is a rare occurrence) and when he does something amazing, he doesn’t seem to even realize how amazing it was. Even when we called out to him, he had this look on his face like, “Why do you want to get my attention?” He doesn’t realize how much everyone loves him. There are times where the entire stadium will be chanting his name, and still he doesn’t seem to get that he is the biggest deal there is. So yes, Reggie smiling and waving at me (and of course the rest of the girls as well) ranks among the greatest moments of my life.
And that is why I love USC football. :)
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Love
So I’ve been thinking a lot about love recently. It’s a funny thing really. If you think about it, it’s all anyone ever really wants in this life...but how many of us really ever find it? How do you really know that you’re in love? I think I’ve been in love twice...but is that really possible? For love to be real...shouldn’t it have to be eternal? If you stop loving someone, does that mean you never really loved them in the first place? I think I’ve finally found real love, but as my friend Meghan pointed out, I tend to do that a lot. But this time it just seems different. I’ve liked a lot of guys, as any of my friends could tell you, but only a few have liked me back.
First there was E-tard. My nickname for him tells you all you need to know. I was 16. We were complete opposites in so many ways, and just alike in just as many others. He liked to do the most random things...and it was fun, because we were together. I talked to him for hours at a time about the most random things and I opened up to him about things that I’d only ever told my best friends. But we only went out for two weeks...we never even kissed.
Then after a long gap, there was Little Boy Blue. I was 19...he was 16, and you better believe I got shit for that. But I liked him. He was sweet, and geeky like me. We only had a couple days together before I went back to school...but we decided to try long distance...he was my first kiss. But he turned out to be a little boy through and through. His parents said he couldn’t date me...he didn’t argue...and then he proceeded to spread lies about me. I’ve seen him a couple times since then, and I just roll my eyes. I swore after that I wouldn’t date younger again...at least not that young.
Then there was First. I loved him. I know I don’t anymore, but I can’t deny that for a while there I really, truly loved him. But I think I always knew it wouldn’t last. A small part of me really believed we would get married one day...but the other part knew that he was never going to change, and that I couldn’t stay with him unless he did. I lost my virginity to him...sometimes I regret it...but most of the time I know that I did love him and that he loved me. If there’s one thing I am sure of, it’s that he loved me...
Then there was Lemon Skittle. He opened my eyes to the fact that I deserved better than first. I could talk to him about anything, and he was the first guy...the only so far...to really open up to me. I think that’s why I fell so hard and so fast. He trusted me...something First never did. He told me things that I know was hard for him to tell me. I think in some way I loved him...but not the kind of love that is so complicated. It’s more of a friendship love...it makes me know that he’ll always be in my life in some way or another.
Then there was Charms. If ever there was a rebound...Charms would be him. I was rebounding off both First and L.S. He was adorable and he made me laugh, and he treated me the way I always thought a boyfriend should treat a girlfriend. Really...he swept me off my feet. I convinced myself I loved him. But I never really did. I cared for him deeply, but I think I was forcing myself to feel things that weren’t there because I needed to get over L.S. He’ll still always be special to me...but I know he’s not the one.
And now there’s Inima. Now that I’ve put this down on “paper” I’ve realized that Inima has a little bit of all the guys in my past. He and I can have fun no matter what we’re doing like E-tard and I could. We can sit on a dock and just talk, go around WalMart talking about things we’d buy if we had a house, or just sit in his room and watch movies. As long as we’re together, I’m happy. He’s geeky like me like Little Boy Blue was...but it’s a different kind of geeky so that we can learn from each other (though we both have the Harry Potter geekiness.) I have that inner connection with him like I had with First. Something that can’t be put into words that makes me love him. Plus, just like I loved First because he needed me...I know in my heart that Inima needs me too...that I can help make him a better person. But unlike First, I need Inima to help make me a better person as well. And then just like Lemon Skittle...I can tell Inima anything. He knows everything about me...every last one of my secrets...my hopes my dreams...but better than L.S. a lot of the time I don’t even have to tell him. As corny as it sounds...Inima can see into my soul. The only thing that L.S. has on him is that Inima has yet to open up to me. He’s guarded...and I understand that, and I hope that one day he will trust me enough to open up to me too. And finally like Charms, he treats me the way I think a girlfriend should be treated by a boyfriend. He holds my hand while we drive, he’ll pick me up and throw me over his shoulder, he tickles me, he cuddles with me, he texts me with little messages throughout the day. He makes me feel special and he makes me feel loved...and I think, while I did love First...it wasn’t a complete love. I loved First because I could make him happy...it was all for him, I really got nothing out of it. But with Inima...I love him because I can make him happy, because I’m good for him...but also because he makes me happy. Love is about give and take. Love is about being together and making each other happy and making each other better people. Two people in love should be able to be survive without each other...but they’d never want to. They need each other because they want each other. I think that’s what love really is...and I think, for the first time, I may have found true love...with Inima.
So I’ve been thinking a lot about love recently. It’s a funny thing really. If you think about it, it’s all anyone ever really wants in this life...but how many of us really ever find it? How do you really know that you’re in love? I think I’ve been in love twice...but is that really possible? For love to be real...shouldn’t it have to be eternal? If you stop loving someone, does that mean you never really loved them in the first place? I think I’ve finally found real love, but as my friend Meghan pointed out, I tend to do that a lot. But this time it just seems different. I’ve liked a lot of guys, as any of my friends could tell you, but only a few have liked me back.
First there was E-tard. My nickname for him tells you all you need to know. I was 16. We were complete opposites in so many ways, and just alike in just as many others. He liked to do the most random things...and it was fun, because we were together. I talked to him for hours at a time about the most random things and I opened up to him about things that I’d only ever told my best friends. But we only went out for two weeks...we never even kissed.
Then after a long gap, there was Little Boy Blue. I was 19...he was 16, and you better believe I got shit for that. But I liked him. He was sweet, and geeky like me. We only had a couple days together before I went back to school...but we decided to try long distance...he was my first kiss. But he turned out to be a little boy through and through. His parents said he couldn’t date me...he didn’t argue...and then he proceeded to spread lies about me. I’ve seen him a couple times since then, and I just roll my eyes. I swore after that I wouldn’t date younger again...at least not that young.
Then there was First. I loved him. I know I don’t anymore, but I can’t deny that for a while there I really, truly loved him. But I think I always knew it wouldn’t last. A small part of me really believed we would get married one day...but the other part knew that he was never going to change, and that I couldn’t stay with him unless he did. I lost my virginity to him...sometimes I regret it...but most of the time I know that I did love him and that he loved me. If there’s one thing I am sure of, it’s that he loved me...
Then there was Lemon Skittle. He opened my eyes to the fact that I deserved better than first. I could talk to him about anything, and he was the first guy...the only so far...to really open up to me. I think that’s why I fell so hard and so fast. He trusted me...something First never did. He told me things that I know was hard for him to tell me. I think in some way I loved him...but not the kind of love that is so complicated. It’s more of a friendship love...it makes me know that he’ll always be in my life in some way or another.
Then there was Charms. If ever there was a rebound...Charms would be him. I was rebounding off both First and L.S. He was adorable and he made me laugh, and he treated me the way I always thought a boyfriend should treat a girlfriend. Really...he swept me off my feet. I convinced myself I loved him. But I never really did. I cared for him deeply, but I think I was forcing myself to feel things that weren’t there because I needed to get over L.S. He’ll still always be special to me...but I know he’s not the one.
And now there’s Inima. Now that I’ve put this down on “paper” I’ve realized that Inima has a little bit of all the guys in my past. He and I can have fun no matter what we’re doing like E-tard and I could. We can sit on a dock and just talk, go around WalMart talking about things we’d buy if we had a house, or just sit in his room and watch movies. As long as we’re together, I’m happy. He’s geeky like me like Little Boy Blue was...but it’s a different kind of geeky so that we can learn from each other (though we both have the Harry Potter geekiness.) I have that inner connection with him like I had with First. Something that can’t be put into words that makes me love him. Plus, just like I loved First because he needed me...I know in my heart that Inima needs me too...that I can help make him a better person. But unlike First, I need Inima to help make me a better person as well. And then just like Lemon Skittle...I can tell Inima anything. He knows everything about me...every last one of my secrets...my hopes my dreams...but better than L.S. a lot of the time I don’t even have to tell him. As corny as it sounds...Inima can see into my soul. The only thing that L.S. has on him is that Inima has yet to open up to me. He’s guarded...and I understand that, and I hope that one day he will trust me enough to open up to me too. And finally like Charms, he treats me the way I think a girlfriend should be treated by a boyfriend. He holds my hand while we drive, he’ll pick me up and throw me over his shoulder, he tickles me, he cuddles with me, he texts me with little messages throughout the day. He makes me feel special and he makes me feel loved...and I think, while I did love First...it wasn’t a complete love. I loved First because I could make him happy...it was all for him, I really got nothing out of it. But with Inima...I love him because I can make him happy, because I’m good for him...but also because he makes me happy. Love is about give and take. Love is about being together and making each other happy and making each other better people. Two people in love should be able to be survive without each other...but they’d never want to. They need each other because they want each other. I think that’s what love really is...and I think, for the first time, I may have found true love...with Inima.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Hope
I have hope. I thought I had lost him. I thought that he had just decided to cut me out of his life...and I wanted to die. Last night Inima and I were talking and we started arguing and then he wouldn’t talk to me. Wouldn’t answer his phone, blocked me on IM, wouldn’t respond to my texts. All I got was an IM that said to stop trying to call, he wasn’t going to answer, and a text that said “I’m sorry. It has to be this way. I will miss you and I did care for you...” which pretty much sounds like goodbye to me. I thought that was it. I thought my mistake had cost me the best thing that ever happened to me, and in that moment, I knew real pain. I think I could possibly go on even if I didn’t have Inima as my boyfriend, but to not even have him as a friend is something I can’t even fathom. I’ve known that I love him, but I think in that moment...while I was reading that text message...it really hit home. I’m in love with this man in a way that I can’t even comprehend. So why do I have hope? Because that wasn’t the end. He sent me a text later asking if I was okay and when I called, he picked up. We talked and we ended up arguing again. But then later after he sent me an email that made me really understand a little bit of what he’s feeling, we talked. We talked for hours. And he tested me...he put me through a kind of hell that I never want to go through again, but I knew that if I could just keep going, keep talking, keep answering his questions...there might be a chance. So I did...and he didn’t forgive me. He never will. But...he does think he can move on from this, and I haven’t lost him. “You haven’t lost me.” The four most beautiful words I’ve ever heard. I think I may have shown him exactly how sorry I am and exactly how much I love him. Maybe things will be better now. I hope...it’s so nice to be able to experience hope again.
I have hope. I thought I had lost him. I thought that he had just decided to cut me out of his life...and I wanted to die. Last night Inima and I were talking and we started arguing and then he wouldn’t talk to me. Wouldn’t answer his phone, blocked me on IM, wouldn’t respond to my texts. All I got was an IM that said to stop trying to call, he wasn’t going to answer, and a text that said “I’m sorry. It has to be this way. I will miss you and I did care for you...” which pretty much sounds like goodbye to me. I thought that was it. I thought my mistake had cost me the best thing that ever happened to me, and in that moment, I knew real pain. I think I could possibly go on even if I didn’t have Inima as my boyfriend, but to not even have him as a friend is something I can’t even fathom. I’ve known that I love him, but I think in that moment...while I was reading that text message...it really hit home. I’m in love with this man in a way that I can’t even comprehend. So why do I have hope? Because that wasn’t the end. He sent me a text later asking if I was okay and when I called, he picked up. We talked and we ended up arguing again. But then later after he sent me an email that made me really understand a little bit of what he’s feeling, we talked. We talked for hours. And he tested me...he put me through a kind of hell that I never want to go through again, but I knew that if I could just keep going, keep talking, keep answering his questions...there might be a chance. So I did...and he didn’t forgive me. He never will. But...he does think he can move on from this, and I haven’t lost him. “You haven’t lost me.” The four most beautiful words I’ve ever heard. I think I may have shown him exactly how sorry I am and exactly how much I love him. Maybe things will be better now. I hope...it’s so nice to be able to experience hope again.
